You're born to run.

Actor-Teachers 2019-2020

We are in residency rehearsal process. I don't really think about training moment to moment, there are far too many other things to occupy my mind, notably the end of all things.

Even in the midst of attending curriculum night at my children's high school (children plural, they are both high school students now) I am aware that this will end, that a day will come when neither of my children are engaged in lower education.

All good things.

Distance: 7.5 miles
Duration: 1:07:20
Pace: 8:57
Route: Cain Park Loop (2x)
Temperature: 59°
Climate: cool, ideal
Mood: not good
Stretches: yes
Water: yes

Good run, not bad. I have a lot of things coming at me all at once and finding it difficult to cope. Keep your head down. Keep moving forward.

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 166.5 lbs. (-1.0)
Goal: 160 lbs.

Eating in the rehearsal hall for me has become impulsive. That's not accurate -- it's impulsive everywhere. Got to finish that beer, yes, I will have that pie, handfuls of kettle popcorn and gummy worms. It's obscene.

Not eating is also a thing to do, you can choose not to do that, not to compulsively eat, and in its absence feel that you are accomplishing something.

What's That Lyric?
Come Home With Me Baby - Dead or Alive

Hear the highway breathing.

June 2019

"How beautifully leaves grow old. 

How full of light and color are their last days."

- John Burroughs

Live to Run - Run to Live

Cris Dopher died on Sunday evening. I have mentioned him here a few times. He came to see And Then You Die (How I Ran a Marathon in 26.2 Years) at the NY Fringe ten years ago this month. He commented on my blog and we began a sporadic correspondence. We met up to chat in Chelsea the following year, he gave me my first tour of the new High Line.

Cris was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis when he was five, they said he had another five to live. He was forty-seven when he passed.

In 2013 I asked him to design lights for Double Heart at the the Fringe. He used to run, but by that time he was carrying oxygen, and had to take a break every half block. That was the last time we met up, though we stayed in touch.

Since then he had a lung transplant. During that experience he met a woman who is also living with CF and they fell in love and got engaged. He was in a horrific motorcycle accident which almost killed him. He survived liver cancer, and recently had started chemotherapy for cancer in his new lungs. That was the fight at last he couldn't win.

Cancer, again. After all that, fucking cancer.

Like I said, we communicated sporadically, through social media. I kept up with his blog, and through long detailed posts on his Facebook page. He started his running blog a year before I started this one. This photo (at right) has always been a great inspiration to me.

He had cystic fibrosis, and he ran.

Cris was very generous. Cris had an attitude. Cris spoke his mind. Cris was an artist. Cris was a biker. Cris was a runner. Cris was a marathon runner.

I'm going to miss Cris.

If you wish to make a donation, his favorites were:

• Boomer Esiason Foundation (Team Boomer)
• Cystic Fibrosis Foundation
• Ellie’s Army  (he named his motorcycle after her)
• Behind the Scenes

Distance: 4 miles
Duration: 35:42
Pace: 8:55
Route: Boulevard Loop
Temperature: 66°
Climate: cool
Mood: as you would expect
Stretches: yes
Water: no (crap)

What's That Lyric?
And She Was - Talking Heads

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 167.5 lbs. (+2.5)
Goal: 160 lbs.

In space no one can hear you dream (and others.)

Lying awake at 3:30, not able to get back to sleep. Knowing there are a million things I could do this morning instead of running for two hours. The enthusiasm I was feeling just two days ago (or was it mania?) has given way to malaise and a doubt.

So, I could listen to anything for two hours. Podrunner, Spotify playlists, "1619" ... instead, it's all Improvised Star Trek. Because I need some serious distraction.

I choose improv comedy. Who knew?

Distance: 16 miles
Duration: 2:36:50
Pace: 9:48
Route: To East 55th via MLK and back.
Temperature: 59°
Climate: cool & groovy
Mood: angsty
Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Snack: granola bar

Yep. Sixteen miles. Did that thing. The comedy was quite enjoyable, and it kept me from going very fast. A nice trot down MLK Jr. Blvd. and back. The One World Day festival is today! As I headed back earlybirds were setting up tents and tables. Should be quite an event.

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 165 lbs. (+0.5)
Goal: 160 lbs.

Improvised Star Trek has been around for ten years, but I just heard about it. I listened to a few episodes last week and got hooked. Then they announced they are ending the show. I hate my life.


Week Eleven Total: 31.25 miles
Total To Date: 248.25 miles

Afraid to lose.

So this is where it gets a little crazy. I am slated to run sixteen miles tomorrow. Remember how hard thirteen was? Didn't I run fifteen just a couple days ago? Didn't I run eight just yesterday?

Running all the time. I do not know where I have the time or energy or anything for that. But here I go.

After my eight mile yesterday, I drank so much water, all evening. It was a compulsion. More water!

Distance: 3.25 miles
Duration: 26:32
Pace: 8:09
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 64°
Climate: bright & sunny
Mood: surprisingly good
Stretches: yes
Water: yes

Tore that up. Feeling the weight of everyone around me, their pain, loss, disappointment, so much anxiety and fear. So I have a slight pain in my head, I have no right not to push myself, and I ran. I ran well. It felt good. Lightened the doubt.

But Jesus, have you ever listened to the lyrics of Good Girls Don't? My laws, that song is filthy.

"New Wave" Playlist
Rebel Yell * - Billy Idol
It's My Life - Talk Talk
Good Girls Don't * - The Knack
Drive * - The Cars
Heart of Glass - Blondie
My Sharona - The Knack

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 164.5 lbs. (+3.0)
Goal: 160 lbs.

Carrie A. lays upon the road that I must travel.

This is Nina.

Rain yesterday, a lot of rain. So, you know. Fuck that, I'm not doing it. I'm not heading out in the dark to get sopping wet, running eight miles and tearing up my feet. Once upon a time I might have done that, felt compelled to do that, because training. But I'm getting older and I just can't be bothered. I don't run in cold temperatures as much as I used to, and I hate getting cold and wet.

Speaking of putting up with shit, Nina has written another dynamite article which is (ahem) getting a lot of traction. A Lifelong Runner, Sidelined By Disability was posted on Folks yesterday, and you should read it. Nina has a rock and roll attitude, and she has chosen to express recent (and in some cases, life-long) pain and hardship and translate them into essays devoid of self-pity that resonate with honesty, anger and gratitude.

"I’ve been running since middle school. I was never the fastest, never ran the longest distance, but I placed occasionally and enjoyed it immensely. I had to quit the track team in high school because we couldn’t afford the costs of participation, including expensive new running shoes." [READ THE REST]

Distance: 8 miles
Duration: 1:08:22
Pace: 8:32
Route: Forest Hill to Cain Park to Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 69°
Climate: sunny!
Mood: good
Stretches: yes
Water: yes

What's that mondegreen?
Kýrie, eléison, down the road that I must travel.
- "Kyrie" by Mister Mister

So, I did it. I listened to a playlist made of the top 100 Billboard hits from the year 1986. While I understood why it has been deemed the most bland and tedious year in popular music history, I never really understood. The music I like is actually diverse and interesting, if heavy with synth horns and that irritating stuttering effect they used on all the remixes.

No, it's the ballads. Then as now, when either That's What Friends Are For or The Greatest Love of All begin, you don't know which song you are about to hear. Secret Lovers sounds like Friends and Lovers sounds like The Glory of Love. It was a real education, and let us never speak of it again.

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 161 lbs. (-3.5)
Goal: 160 lbs.

Uhm. Okay?

How the strong get weak.

Inside voice.

Yesterday was the first day of school, so I did not run.

Not sure what to write.

My knees hurt yesterday. I ran thirteen miles Sunday and then my knees hurt yesterday.

I've lost my enthusiasm for this.

Distance: 4 miles
Duration: 36:38
Pace: 9:09
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 68°
Climate: dark
Mood: also dark
Stretches: yes
Water: yes

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 164.5 lbs. (+0.5)
Goal: 160 lbs.

What's That Lyric?
Slave to Love - Bryan Ferry

You can run to me.

To run or not to run. It's a question. You make plans to run early, because there is a full agenda for the day, and when you rise there is very loud thunder. As you prepare to leave, pulling on your kit and making coffee, the wind begins to rise, the wind is so loud that it sounds like the rain that you know if coming. And then the rain does come, just as you are prepared to step outside.

This isn't the race. This is training. You don't have to go. It's not safe. And yet, you were psyched, prepared to run fifteen miles this morning. It's disappointing, and very disappointing.

But really. Lightning. We do not chose to run in lightning.

Week Ten Total: 33 miles
Total To Date: 217 miles

Distance: 13.75 miles
Duration: 1:57:39
Pace: 8:33
Route: Forest Hill-Cain Park-Neighborhood Loop (2X)
Temperature: 72°→68°
Climate: distant thunder and light rain to bright, blue skies
Mood: all right
Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Snack: banana

Left later than I would have, for safety reasons, and cut the run short because I had a phone date with my brother at 9am.

Started out in the thunder and rain, which cleared up shortly thereafter. A nice, coolish morning, the BPM kept me moving briskly for the first half (or what was supposed to be half) when I stopped back at home from water, the bathroom and a snack.

The second half was more difficult, plodding, my shoes were wet so that didn't help. But my mind wandered many places and figured a few things out on my way. Mostly I just wanted to be done. I am disappointed not to have run the entire fifteen but I'll get there.

First Hour
Podrunner: Sky Ground Wind Go (167 BPM)
Second Hour
Spotify Duran Duran Playlist

What's That Lyric?
Liberty - Duran Duran
(Not actually the correct lyric, sometimes I think I heard the word "run" in songs when it isn't there.)

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 164 lbs. (-4.5)
Goal: 160 lbs.

Man. The indigestion yesterday. Crazy.