Could you please walk a little slower?

So far, March Mildness has been a success. It has been easy to say no, just yesterday I thought hey, I'm in a coffee show, getting tea. Why not a cookie? But why a cookie, would I enjoy it? Am I in the mood for a cookie, or is it just that cookies are readily available (and not even that, I'd have to pay for it) so I just got the tea. Easy.

And the alcohol. Really. Sitting in a bar with my brother drinking a Coke (it could have been water) I was worried about what the bartender might think -- for a moment. Then I just enjoyed my Coke.

There's a week left, we are going out of town. That makes me think, ooh, dining out, won't I want to drink? Well, no, actually. I'd rather keep a clear head, thanks. It feels good.

What about the future? Stop keeping the beer fridge fully stocked, for one thing. It encourages consumption. Doing dishes is not a cause for celebration. Save it for the weekend, or special moments. Sure, a show, a movie, a dinner out. Sitting in front of the fire on a Tuesday evening, a glass of water would also taste good. Yeah, I said it. Taste.

Distance: 2.25 miles

Duration: 22:57
Pace: 10:03

Route: Horizon Loop (clockwise)

Temperature: 53°
Climate: overcast & cold

Pavement: dry
Mood: determined

1968 Playlist

Open My Eyes - Nazz

Astral Weeks - Van Morrison

A Little Less Conversation - Elvis Presley

Love Child - Diana Ross & The Supremes

Girl Watcher - The O'Kaysions

Street Fighting Man - The Rolling Stones

Glass Onion - The Beatles 

 

Know what has truly improved? My lungs. No more gasping, I should make note of whether or not I am sighing anymore. Or as much. I will always sigh.

Standing up might make me huff with exertion, but that's because my muscles ache, my knees.

 
Stretches: yes
Abdominals: 90 sec.
Water: yes

Breakfast: coffee w/oatmilk, pizza slice, ranch

Lunch: cake, ice cream

Happy Hour: raspberry fizzy water

Dinner: crab cake, latke, tuna w/sweet potatoes & mushrooms, a few bites of assorted dessert

Baseline: 195 lbs.

Current: 183.5 lbs. (-1.0)

Goal: 180 lbs.

Here's to the winners of the human race.

Funny but 2,000 runs in the past sixteen years doesn't seem like a lot.

Distance: 3.75 miles
Duration: 38:06
Pace: 10:09 
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 80°
Climate: overcast & hot
Mood: good!

Stretches: yes
Weight:

Pushed it a bit further today, for the sake of the playlist. And I did do the whole thing without walking, just slowing down a couple of times -- which is fine.

No pain, just beautiful, clear, fresh air.

Intake

Breakfast: granola, dried fruit, yogurt, honey cream, banana, coffee (2x) 

Lunch: TBA

Dinner: TBA

1989 Playlist

Love Buzz - Nirvana

Let the Day Begin - The Call

One - Bee Gees

Biting My Nails - Renegade Soundwave

Drifting, Falling - The Ocean Blue

Waiting Room - Fugazi

Sin - Nine Inch Nails

The Downtown Lights - The Blue Nile

Move Mountains - Jesus Jones

Shake Your Rump - Beastie Boys

You're moving way too fast.

Ok, whatever.

Still not where I want to be. I need to run consistently, for maybe two weeks. I'll jog out, and start to lose my breath after a tenth of a mile. Eventually my breathing is no longer tight, and the rest of the run is good. But if I can stay with it. that initial anxiety and shortness of breath doesn't happen.

Distance: 3.1 miles
Duration: 30:55
Pace: 9:58
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 67°
Climate: overcast & perfect
Mood: good

Intake

Breakfast: cereal w/milk, coffee (2x)

Treat at the physical therapist's office: Twix Bar

Lunch: ramen w/egg

Snack: almonds

Dinner: BBQ squash, cole slaw, rice pilaf, beer

Dessert: boba tea

Candy bar? Before lunch? Man, you're not even trying.

2000 Playlist

Bohemian Like You - The Dandy Warhols

Do It Now - Dubtribe Sound System

Uninvited - The Bostonians 

Renegade of Funk - Rage Against the Machine

It's Gonna Be Me - *NSYNC

Oops! ... I Did It Again - Britney Spears

Head. Shoulders. Knees. Toes.

"Burn the Witch"

It's the breathing. That's the part most affected by time off the road, and weight gain. It takes a while for the lungs to acclimate to the change in heart rate and the aeorbic action. This will not always be the case, if I continue like this.

Missed the gym this winter. If the track we're clear I would have joined the rest of the family on the few trips they have taken there, and I would not be in the situation I am in now.

I said my knee hurt? In my sleep the other night? Yeah. This morning it hurt a lot. I need my knee braces. 

Distance: 3.75 miles
Duration: 36:36
Pace: 9:45
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 68°
Climate: fucking gorgeous
Mood: awesome, yeah?
Weight: 187 lbs. (-2.0)

Intake

Breakfast: coffee (2x)

Lunch: broccoli quiche, clementine (2x)

Happy Hour: Guinness, Shamrock Shake (same energy)

Dinner: TBA

Also: fizzy water (2x)

2016 Playlist

Cheap Thrills - Sia ft. Sean Paul

Lime Habit - Poliça

2AM - Bear Hands

Surf's Up - Psychedelic Pron Crumpets

Move - Saint Motel

You Want It Darker - Leonard Cohen

Burn the Witch - Radiohead

Run Sister Run - Cass McCombs

Good As Hell - Lizzo

Closer - Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

This was our eldest's eighth grade year. What happened?

They're coming home for the weekend. They asked to run with me. That makes me so happy.

Hear the highway breathing.

June 2019

"How beautifully leaves grow old. 

How full of light and color are their last days."

- John Burroughs

Live to Run - Run to Live

Cris Dopher died on Sunday evening. I have mentioned him here a few times. He came to see And Then You Die (How I Ran a Marathon in 26.2 Years) at the NY Fringe ten years ago this month. He commented on my blog and we began a sporadic correspondence. We met up to chat in Chelsea the following year, he gave me my first tour of the new High Line.

Cris was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis when he was five, they said he had another five to live. He was forty-seven when he passed.

In 2013 I asked him to design lights for Double Heart at the the Fringe. He used to run, but by that time he was carrying oxygen, and had to take a break every half block. That was the last time we met up, though we stayed in touch.

Since then he had a lung transplant. During that experience he met a woman who is also living with CF and they fell in love and got engaged. He was in a horrific motorcycle accident which almost killed him. He survived liver cancer, and recently had started chemotherapy for cancer in his new lungs. That was the fight at last he couldn't win.

Cancer, again. After all that, fucking cancer.

Like I said, we communicated sporadically, through social media. I kept up with his blog, and through long detailed posts on his Facebook page. He started his running blog a year before I started this one. This photo (at right) has always been a great inspiration to me.

He had cystic fibrosis, and he ran.

Cris was very generous. Cris had an attitude. Cris spoke his mind. Cris was an artist. Cris was a biker. Cris was a runner. Cris was a marathon runner.

I'm going to miss Cris.

If you wish to make a donation, his favorites were:

• Boomer Esiason Foundation (Team Boomer)
• Cystic Fibrosis Foundation
• Ellie’s Army  (he named his motorcycle after her)
• Behind the Scenes

Distance: 4 miles
Duration: 35:42
Pace: 8:55
Route: Boulevard Loop
Temperature: 66°
Climate: cool
Mood: as you would expect
Stretches: yes
Water: no (crap)

What's That Lyric?
And She Was - Talking Heads

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 167.5 lbs. (+2.5)
Goal: 160 lbs.

Been running so long.

Champions.

The rest of the day yesterday was rough. Sore, and in pain. Ten miles did this to me, and I am wondering how much of a challenge the rest of training, let alone the race, is going to be.

My left hip (sciatica) and the string going all the way down to both big toes. Shocking. Need to massage my own feet.

Distance: 3 miles
Duration: 28:08
Pace: 9:22
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 65°
Climate: cool & humid
Mood: all right
Stretches: yes
Water: not enough

Oof. Using the bpm this morning to keep my pace slow. Heading out, it felt as though my chest would burst, not pain, just this feeling that I couldn't get enough breath out. Running at this pace was difficult, I kept wanting to speed up, but I did not. And that was good.

155 - 159 BPM Playlist
Head Over Heels - The Go-Go's
Vacation - The Go-Go's
The Generator - The Lilys
Michael - Franz Ferdinand
Dead Man's Party - Oingo Boingo
Ho Hey - The Lumineers
I'm So Free - Lou Reed
Boombastic - Shaggy
Good Times - INXS ft. Jimmy Barnes

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 166 lbs. (+3.0)
Goal: 160 lbs.

I ate a lot yesterday. It was the World Cup Finals, and I downed a fat cheeseburger, Guinness, buffalo fried cauliflower, chips, everything. Just ravenous. But I ate way past any point of comfort or enjoyment. That was gross.

Dinner was much lighter, we had three kinds of salad.

Like a ghost.

Yeah, we saw this.

Diet is an issue right now. I tried to swear off sugar, or at least allow myself one sugar a day (i.e., beer) as the consumption of sugar had become chronic at work.

I love my co-workers. And because they love me, there is cake every single day.

So, one sugar, Cake at work? No beer. Do I need that beer? No cake.

Now that we are getting back into rehearsal, I need to remember to pack lunch (not get carry-out) and to avoid whatever snacks are brought into the space. I mean, avoid.

Yeah, that's impossible.

Distance: 2.45 miles
Pace: 9:01
Route: Lee Road Loop
Temperature: 32°
Climate: cold & dry
Mood: all right

Spotted an old man by the side of the road on his phone. There was dead deer in the street. I stopped to ask if he was all right, he said, yes, he was fine -- the guy in front of him hit the deer and kept going, now he was calling the police.

I said I was very sorry for his situation, but he seemed unfazed. Poor deer.

2008 Playlist
Halo - Beyonce
Spotlight (Twilight Mix) - Mute Math
Blind - Hercules & Love Affair
Machine Gun - Portishead
Singles Ladies (Put a Ring On It) - Beyonce
L.E.S. Artistes - Santogold

Had to walk about four times. Inclines. Slight pain in my hip. Breathe. Just breathe. We'll get it there.

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 178 lbs. (-1.5)
Goal: 175 lbs.

The lowest ebb and the highest high.

Blue moon over the Big House.

Rising to an alarm clock, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, to get out and run. Friday night was a Blue Moon, the highest tide. The entire family stayed up to experience the springtide which peaked around 11:30 AM. No alarm was set for Saturday, I would sleep until whenever.

Even then, I sat and read before the fire, and did some writing. The mornings have been active, the afternoons less so. What if I turned that on its head?

Distance: 3.5 miles
Duration:  28:22
Avg Pace: 8:08
Route: Martin Point Run

Later morning run. Hotter, but also breezier. Many people out, walking dogs or just walking, Even some runners. Haven't seen many of those yet.

No headphones. Heavy breathing. Lobster boats working. The sound of oncoming trucks. People waving and saying hello. Birds, breezes. The water. Far off motorboats. My own feet striking the pavement.

Tomorrow I have sixteen miles scheduled. My experiences both running out 220 and also driving it myself yesterday make me wary of heading that way. Must plan ahead.

Temperature: 75°
Climate: bright and humid
Intake: none
Hydration: yes
Water Stop: no
Stretches: no

What's That Lyric?
I Remember California - R.E.M.

Montréal (two)

Piknic Electronik

Have we only been in Montreal for one day? Feels like a week. My birthday was chock a block with activity, every step of which involved walking. We are residing in the Le Plateau neighborhood and it is impossible to walk down the street without the wife and daughter wanting to step into a shop. The boy just complains about his legs hurting.

We dug some seriously deep beats at the Piknic Electronik and then an outdoor production of Twelfth Night courtesy of Repercussion Theatre. We were all very glad to get back to the apartment and to take off our shoes.

Distance: 3 miles
Avg Pace: 8:17
Route: Mount Royal

Because we are traveling internationally I have not been streaming music. This is a good thing, I wouldn't have been listening to music while running past the Niagara River anyhow. Usually it's only during races I go without music. I want to hear it all, not something I generally feel when taking my daily route.

I also become very aware of the sound of my breathing.

The wife was surprised that I would want to take a run this morning, after all the walking we did yesterday. That was exactly why I wanted to take a run this morning.

Temperature: 72°
Climate: shiny and humid
Intake: banana & yogurt
Hydration: yes
Water Stop: yes

 Good run, a little way up the mountain and back. Downhill all the way home. The five or so blocks from the apartment to the park, however, are treacherous. Québécois cyclists are just like those at home, traffic lights do not apply to them.

A half a million thoughts are flowing through my mind.

Sporting my CLE 2012 T-shirt today, the girl remarked that she is in this for the shirts.

Girl On The Run
Temperature: 45°
Distance: 2 miles (running & walking)

The big issue right now is cramping. She, like most people, gets stitches when she runs. She takes it very hard. I told her the same thing I have told several of my adult friends, the challenge in running is not strength training, it's not your muscles or your weight. It's breathing.

She says she breathes all the time, she is breathing heavily when she plays soccer. I tell her it's not the same thing, and try to explain why, but she is too disappointed to listen. Maybe she's listening anyway. But we need to work on breath, that's all there is to it.

Temperature: 54°
Distance: 4 miles

2004 Playlist
Based upon "Bolero" - Jazzelicious
Call On Me (Eric Prydz vs. R------- Funk Mix) - Eric Prydz
L-L-Love - Astaire
Everyone Is Someone In L.A. - Felix da Housecat
Short Skirts - Felix da Housecat
40 Ft - Franz Ferdinand
Lebanese Blonde - Thievery Corporation
In The Waiting Line - Zero 7

Best. Summer. Ever.

All the heaven’s in motion.

Feels like I have not run in a long time. It has been since Sunday, and that is too long. Much to do, no time for myself. Yesterday we had something like a Spring day in the morning, my drive to work left me irritable, because I knew it wouldn’t last.

Hate this part, waiting for the better weather. Not today, not tomorrow. Tuesday should be in the sixties. You read this? Living for the future … but not in the good way.

Temperature: 34°
Distance: 4 miles
Weight: 173.5 lbs.

Shabbos. Time to accomplish something. Filling a notebook with words, in my terrible, terrible handwriting. With pages I can go back and forth in time, taking brief glimpses of rubbish constructed in half-sleep, and entire sheets of dialogue which doesn’t suit but can be edited.

What did we lose by abandoning the typewriter? Composing everything, errors and all, then thoughtfully correcting with red pen, for a final rewrite. Two sheets of paper. Today, I print the margins wrong and print it again to find I spelled the recipient’s name wrong. That’s three sheets of paper and I’m not through yet.

I’m not speaking in the abstract, that happened yesterday.

1990 Playlist
New Power Generation - Prince
Vogue - Madonna
Mama Said Knock You Out - LL Cool J
World In My Eyes [Mode To Joy] - Depeche Mode
Tokoloshe Man - Happy Mondays
Now I’m Following You (Part 2) - Madonna
Groove Is In The Heart - Deee-Lite
Poison - Bell Biv DeVoe

Never trust a big butt and a smile. Word.

Had a cramp for the first time in I can't remember how long. Flared up in my back, inside my left shoulder blade. Just keep running, that's all you can do. Hurt at the time, can't feel it at all now.

Girl Run
Temperature: 36°
Distance: .85 mile

Made a to-do list for such a day, things to do with kids or on my own which are both helpful (for example, chores) or just for fun. Board games, mopping floors, reading, organizing the attic. Also on that list was “go running with girl”.

We keep pace together, she is running very well. Her breathing very good. She has been diagnosed with asthma, but it doesn’t flare up often and she rarely uses her inhaler.

We took a quick lap of the block, so much more easily than last time when the sidewalks were chock-a-block with mounds of ice and puddles. If the weather were nicer I would have encouraged her to take another lap.

And it's not about you joggers who go round and round and round ...

Multi-tasking is something with which I have a certain degree of skill, but that does not mean it comes to me easily. Tomorrow is a rare example of a single day in which I have three major events scheduled, all of which, while pertaining to theater, consume a different part of my brain and soul.

In the early afternoon I am the designated speaker at a social event for which I am expected to detail my journey as a theater artist. For this event I have even created a PowerPoint presentation. About me.

Later in the afternoon I will conduct an audition workshop with three at-risk youth, and encourage them to get onto their feet and read Shakespeare. It can be done. That does not make it easy.

Finally, there will be a private table reading of a new play I have written. This will actually be the most relaxing part of the day, where I get to just sit and listen. That does not mean it is without stress. But having already done all of the advance work (rehearsal with actors, writing the damn thing) I do not need to speak very much, and just sink into my chair.

Temperature: 59°
Climate: utter gorgeous
Distance: 4 miles

Anxiety can crush the will. Judging how much I yearn to accomplish vs. how much I want to just give up is a good barometer for whether I am depressed or merely stressed. This afternoon was tough because, I believe, this weekend, while entirely enjoyable, involved a lot of not doing those things that are running around my mind.

We were relaxing, attending the girl's orchestra concert, lazing about the botanical garden, taking in an art "happening", having dinner in Little Italy with my mother-in-law. Today it was the boy's soccer game. Hurry up and wait for Monday. That's no way to enjoy a weekend.

However, it even made me not want to run, rather than run. That lasted about two steps into my actual run. Synapses flashes, the pulse quickened, I came a live and alert. I even noticed that, for most of my run, I did not even open my mouth.

I breathe through my nose! To run! For miles, with my mouth closed! There was a time in my life when I could simply not have done that.

Gorillaz Genius Playlist
Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz 
Suffragette City - David Bowie
Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend
Derezzed - Daft Punk
Close To Me - The Cure
Parklife - Blur
All I Need - Radiohead
L.E.S. Artistes - Santogold
Sleeping In - The Postal Service
Tron Legacy (End Theme) - Daft Punk

As this is to me, then so to you is something else.

"I've been reading your blog for a while now, and I still can't figure out why you run. 

I get the sense it just makes you miserable." 

- Karen, whom I dated in high school

Maybe it has something to do with the picture of myself in anguish at the top of the page, but it is true, lately it seems like it is all ugly. Because I'm tired. Very, very tired. 

But the running doesn't make me tired, if anything the running gives me energy. I do not know where I would be -- or what size I would be -- without it. 

It's my exercise, it's exercise I can get excited about. I have tried yoga. I have tried weight machines. For maybe three seconds I have considered teams sports. Can't excite me. Running, however, is thrilling. It is a dare. And it is a surprise.

Yesterday, for example, I complained that I got suddenly hungry in the middle of the run, which was just stupid and poor planning on my part. That is an example of a bad surprise. However, quite often I feel wretched when I start out, and gain energy and happiness as I go along, and end feeling so much better than I started.

The problem with this blog (I am taking your comment seriously, Karen) is that I am writing around all the other things, the before and after things. I try to remember the charge I get at certain points during the run, but have often forgotten them by the time I return, and then I need to get on with my life.

But then, I once wrote an entire play about running, about why I run. Martin Denton of nytheatre.com had this to say about it; "What I wanted was to understand why running is so fundamentally important to Hansen. But this show never really gets us to that place." It appears I have failed to properly communicate this fact more than once.

I am going to make a point of reflecting more on the running itself. That might change your mind about it ... or at least make reading these posts less onerous.

Temperature: 34°
Climate: mostly dry pavement, with as yet unmelted ice patches
Distance: 5.15 miles
Weight: 175 lbs.

Some reasons why I love running.

Breathing - While I can complain of being tired from time to time, I am not spent. I do not gasp, I do not pant. I breathe freely and deeply, and feeling myself breathe as I run is a joyful celebration of life. (I am trying to be tactful here, Cris, but she did ask.)

Also, for someone my age, my heart-rate is entirely awesome.

Thinking - Getting out and running is the only time I have when I absolutely no obligations to someone else, and so am free to think about anything at all. My mind wandering, I have directed entire plays, written entire scenes, developed perspective on issues which trouble me.

Outside - It is a fucking gorgeous day today. I may never have learned that until I stepped out for 5 o'clock rehearsal, and then it would be too late to enjoy it. This is a major reason why I have little to no urge to get a gum membership again, even when the weather is miserable. In fact, it has made me engage the horrible weather, instead of merely complain about and hide from it.

Neighborhood - Like a dog walker (except without all that horrible talking to other dog walkers) I know more about the state of my neighborhood and my city than most other people. I never learned the geography of my adopted town until I began training for my first marathon.

Muscles - I have extremely attractive calves.

Those were the positive thoughts I put together on today's run. Perhaps I have stated some before, but they are worth repeating. You know. For Karen.

1984 Playlist
Relax (New York Mix) - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
William, It Was Really Nothing - The Smiths
Shake Dog Shake (Live) - The Cure
Fuck Art, Let's Dance - The Adults
Strut - Sheen Easton
Cue Fanfare - Prefab Sprout
Me Ship Came In! (177 bpm)  - The Style Council
High Energy - Evelyn Thomas
Welcome to the Pleasuredome - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
You're The Wish You Are I Had - XTC
Skakin' To The Beat - Fishbone
99 Luftballons - Nena