The fear is falling away.

Many years ago I asked for something, a solo trip to Chicago. The wife was pursing her Masters at Goddard College, and I had had a few solo weeks with the children (aged 4 and 2) and wanted some time on my own in the summer, before residency rehearsals began.

The Lakeview Cemetery
Photographs from Cleveland's Historic Landmark
By Barney Taxel

I took one bag and caught a bus to the rapid to work, and then the rapid to the airport. I took a plane to my destination, and another train to the neighborhood where I would be staying. Never drove, never took a taxi. I was proud of that. It's not like me to be out there without a car, not alone.

Today I walked my son to the bus, and walked from there to the Little Italy RTA stop. Perhaps more of a walk than I was prepared for, it really did take about an hour, which surprised me. Then the train downtown.

Throughout the day my right thigh, which had been a little pained that morning, started feeling more and more uncomfortable. That has since died down. The only thing I can compare it to is the meralgia parasthetica I occasionally suffer from, though it feels quite different.

End of the day I took the rapid to the airport, It is at times like these that I notice the solitude, even in crowded settings. How long I go without speaking to anyone, or communicating in any fashion. It can feel calming, not to have anyone to speak to. It can be melancholy.

Trying to find a place to be, or at least a satisfying place to wander before my flight, I came across an exhibit of beautiful photographs of Lakeview Cemetery, taken by Barney Taxel. You can find them between concourse A & B at Cleveland Hokpins. I have spent many runs this year, since the summer, training for this race by taking turns through the cemetery. It felt auspicious to linger over these images on my way to the starting line.

My loving wife with a great deal of forethought had gotten us rewards credit cards, and so I was able to make the trip with frequent flyer miles. And as long as these are imaginary dollars we don't really have that we are playing with, why not go first class? This was new to me. Having so much leg room will be particularly helpful on the way home, when who knows what shape I will be in.

However, what truly got me was the convenience of not having to pay for drinks, of receiving drinks on the ground before we took off - and another in the air - and that these drinks were served in glass.

Not just the alcohol. Water ... in a glass. I felt like a person.

Brothers at O'Gara's

The book I have brought with me is Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng. Within the first few pages I feared I had made a terrible mistake, due to the subject matter. Adolescence has swept through on our home, sweeping personal items clear of every surface and crashing furniture through walls and I could go on with Hulk Smash devastation metaphor point being this tale of tragedy that befalls a suburban family might not be a good fit for someone in my mental state at the moment.

By the time I had finally arrived in Saint Paul, I'd read half of it. It's really good.

Distance: 5 miles
Duration: 40:43
Avg Pace: 8:11
Route: Summit Avenue to the Mississippi

Temperature: 63°
Climate: idyllic
Hydration: yes
Water Stop: yes

Beautiful fall day in St. Paul, clear and cool and bright. Took a run down the wide, grassy median of Summit Avenue, because people do that. It's a path, and an uneven one, but it's more fun than the sidewalks. Also more dangerous, wen it comes time to cross side streets and not at the crosswalk. But people do. I did.

Today we went to the Expo. More on today tomorrow.

What's That Lyric?
Jump In The Pool - Friendly Fires

I tried to run.

After party.

Two days, back to back, without a run. How long has it been since that happened? On Saturday I chaperoned my daughter's middle school orchestra to Cedar Point, which was great fun and a beautiful day for it if you discount the seasonal downpour which hit us around dinnertime.

I have rarely been so happy to be warm in bed. This morning I rose early (for a Sunday) but I have been stiff and a little shaky.

Two nights away from Timon rehearsal feel like forever. On Friday we attended the opening night of Fairfield at the Cleveland Play House, last night the girl joined me on our way home from the day hitting the grocery store for some Mother's Day supplies.

"When Z started 6th grade, she found out she would be going to Cedar Point at the end of the year. When O was in a wheelchair in January, I promised him he could take friends to Sky Zone once he was totally healed. Both those things are happening today, and I am feeling at once happy and a little freaked out by time passing. The future keeps arriving and arriving and arriving, and my house is still a wreck." - the wife, via Facebook

These things are true. And our house is a wreck. But our home is well-organized and clean.

Temperature: 73°
Distance: 3.38 miles
Avg Pace: 8.08
Climate: overcast and humid

When I began work as an actor-teacher in 2001, I dropped a significant amount of weight. Being on my feet all day, in motion, and no long within arms-reach of things to stuff into my mouth, I went from perhaps 170 lbs. to 155 lbs.

Two strange things happened within a year. One, I developed meralgia paresthetica, which I still cope with from time to time. But I also noticed a strange discomfort whenever I wash dishes. There is one small area in the aponeurosis of my abdominal external oblique muscle, on the right side, just below the rib cage. The same spot, always on the right, only when I wash dishes. It is uncomfortable, not debilitating. And only when I am thin.

My massage therapist says it is my liver. She says I have been holding a lot of aggression and that my liver is hard and needs to be softened. I do not think this makes any sense, because I withhold aggression when I am overweight and I do not get this pain, and washing dishes does not make me angry.

Weight: 158 lbs.
From Goal: -2.0
 
Toe spacers. Not just for running anymore!

Thursday Alcohol Units: -0-
Friday Alcohol Units: 2.0
Saturday Alcohol Units: -0-
End-of-Week Total: 2.0

What's On Daddy's iPhone?
Beat Crazy * - Joe Jackson
I Saw The Light - Todd Rundgren
Goodbye, Girl * - Squeeze

Heartbeat! Increasing heartbeat!

MID-TRAINING DIETARY BACKSLIDE!
Today I ate an entire 11.5 oz. bag of Nacho Cheese DORITOS!
In other news of physical discomfort, over the past several day my meralgia paresthetica has been building, and today it has become truly intolerable. Instead of feeling it only on the outside of my right thigh, it has flared up all down the mid-section of the front of my thigh. Why? Who knows. I just want it to stop.

Distance: 6 miles
Route: Neighborhood loop

Temps hit this week's projected high in the mid-sixties ... and missed it.

Temperature: 48º
Climate: cool
Weight: 168.5 lbs.
Snack: Doritos
Hydration? yes
Stretches? yes

Today was a freak-show. Unhappy and ravenous. No excuses tomorrow, or from here on out. The heartburn was a real distraction, and is not good for me at all. Oh well. That was fun ... kind of. Not really. Not fun at all. Boo.

Oblivious Genius Playlist
Oblivious - Aztec Camera
This Town Ain't Big Enough For Both Of Us - Sparks
Here's Where the Story Ends - The Sundays
Radio Free Europe (154 bpm) - R.E.M.
Precious - The Jam
Marlene On The Wall - Suzanne Vega
Our Lips Are Sealed - The Fun Boy Three
Dear Prudence - Siouxsie & The Banshees
Wild Wood (154 bpm) - Paul Weller
Skin Trade (Stretch Mix) - Duran Duran
Street Life - Roxy Music
Down In The Tube Station After Midnight - The Jam
Cuts You Up - Peter Murphy

Cooldown:
There She Goes - The La's

Huh. So I got off the beats-per-minute train, and found myself on the most pleasurable, leisurely run in a long time. I would like to beat 4:00 this time, this time which is possibly my last time. Not sure if I can make that, but keeping my speed up is key. However, it has been quite draining. I need to remember to take it easy and enjoy the road.

Let's run away and don't ever look back

The boy: Daddy, is this a "remix" of other songs?
Pengo: Yes, my darling boy. Yes, it is.

2010 Playlist
United State of Pop 2010 (Don't Stop The Pop) - DJ Earworm
We Speak No American - Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP
Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
Giving Up The Gun - Vampire Weekend
This Is The Remix - Girl Talk
Shout For England - Dizzee Rascal & James Corden
Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) Official 2010 FIFA World Cup Song - Shakira ft. Freshlyground

My meralgia paresthetica has returned to where it irritates me in my bed. I wake with debilitating sinus headaches several times a week. I cannot comfortably fit into my pants. I have officially gained twenty pounds in the past two years. And today, I was choosing the elevator over the stairs ... to go down two flights.

It is a new year. There are important events afoot. Increased exercise means hot blood, more energy, clean breathing, and a flat stomach. Taking the time with make more waking hours available. I know this to be true. It is 2011, and I do not want to die.

And a new year means 44 PLAYLISTS FOR 44 YEARS. I hope you enjoy them.

Distance: 3.25 miles
Temperature: 36º
Weather: cool
Weight: 169 lbs.

Garbage scow

What is challenging to me about keeping a running blog is that I usually forget whatever it is I was thinking about on the run. It seemed real important at the time.

I have not run in over ten days. I feel my knees ache. The night before I felt tingling n my thigh (not the good kind, the bad kind.) There have been times when i have considered running and thought - what a terrible waste of time.

There has not been time. There has been a lot of work, at work and at home. Special events to celebrate, and trips to the emergency room for my wife (she is, we believe fine.)

Last night I needed to go from my neighbor's house back to my house after dropping off their kid. I ran, for a few yards. It was like being transported to another place. I place where I move through the air, instead of merely wandering through it. Energy was different. It felt good.

I will go now and feel that again. It is the best time of year from running. I shouldn't miss this, it doesn't last very long.

PODRUNNER: Restless (139 bpm)

Thank you, Mr. DJ, for getting me back on my feet. Again.

Distance: 3.25 miles
Temperature: 53º
Weather: breezy
Weight: 165 lbs.

Yes. 165 pounds. A shame. My mouth is a garbage scow. This cannot stand.

hit me baby one more time

Went in yesterday for PT, and we started using machines. I was in there for an hour last Friday, almost two yesterday. Melissa added to my reps and now my home workout has gone from 60 to 90 minutes, I need to get up at 5.30 just to get it all in.

But you know, they're a good 90 minutes. I listen to Capital Radio and enjoy an hour and a half of pop music and active solitude. It's almost like running.

Well, no, but it has elements in common with running. Which is not the same thing.

Meanwhile, something about this ordeal has resulted in a full-on re-emergence of my meralgia. I think it was the way I need to lie while my left knee was still actively in pain. But that awful, screaming feeling in my right thigh returns whenever I lie down, unless I crush it by resting on my right side, which is difficult to do all night. So I was up several times last night.

Hope I can stay awake for PR tonight. Veronica is such a bitch.

And I'll need a kiss for my head that's achin'

Distance: 3.25 miles
Time: 9.10 am
Stretches: yes
Sit-ups: yes
Drink: Gatorade All Stars
Weight: 167.5 lbs.
Weather: 12º frigid - and sunny!

1996 Playlist
The New Pollution - Beck
Magic Carpet Ride - Mighty Dub Catz
Collapse* - Soul Coughing
Broken English - Queue Up
To You I Bestow - Mundy
Love Rollercoaster - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Bazamba - Sister Soleil
Cooldown: Before Today - Everything But the Girl

"Did you ever write a letter and you never sent it? "

Here's my semi-sporadic physical self-assessment:

HEAD
No migraines for over a month. No real headaches, either. Taking Tylenol 8-Hour every other day for two weeks might have had something to do with it, but that doesn't explain everything. Even this morning, I woke with a dull ache (hard alcohol, good - last night's red wine, bad) and made it go away with 800 mgs of ibuprofen. Oh, and a thirty minute run.

TONGUE
I lost sensation on half my tongue when I had my left, bottom wisdom tooth removed. That was in December. It's March. Sensitivity has largely returned, but my taste buds are still not what they used to be. Food is not as much fun as before.

THIGHS
What happened to my Meralgia Paresthetica? It's (almost) like I never had it. There is still a sensation of pain when I press down on the tendon connectiors at my right kneee ... so I don't do that.

SHINS
Hip-hop hooray, if they were (almost) entirely pain-free today! I mean, nothing. What damaged shins rob me of is any speed, I just can't move my legs when they are in pain, there's no pick-up what so ever. Today I was making very good speed. I may well be ready for a race in three weeks' time. I wore braces on my left ankle and knee, which helped a great deal, but otherwise my legs feel great.

It is a couple hours after. I have been through a physical rehearsal, and I'll be damned if I am not jonesing to hit the road again.

DIET
It all has to do with money and preparation. Rehearsal periods afford for odd mealtimes, so I have been packing a number of snacks. And when they come from home they are of the fruit, granola or nutrition bar variety. When I forget to pack anything the snacks are of the Doritos, peanut M&M variety. So planning ahead is key, and so is consuming leftovers rather than fast food. I haven't had any fast food in several weeks, which is rare for me, nor have I gotten any of the fried stuff so available at the restaurants around the office.

But tonight is pizza night. Yay, pizza night!

Meralgia Paresthetica Absentia

Weight: 170.5 lbs.
Distance: 3 miles
Water: not yet
Stretches: no
Weather: Cool & overcast. Almost warm.

Accosted by a friendly neighbor on my warm-down walk, and now I have missed my stretches. Must take care of those before I freeze up.

Thought I ate pretty well today, fruit for lunch, and a PowerBar before the run ... but then the wife had made pound cake yesterday and I couldn't keep my hands off of it. Some times I can maintain a healthy diet. But you know, I was on the road for a couple hours today, and that's boring. Eating is interesting.

I wonder which pains will stay and which will go. I pulled a hamstring last summer, causing much distress in my right thigh and glute, favoring my left foot when my right hadn't completely healed. Now the right foot is perfectly fine and the hamstring still troubles me (go and stretch, boy.)

Four years ago I suddenly developed Meralgia Paresthetica in my right thigh (entirely different area, the front and on the side) which caused a terrible sensation not unlike having the blood rush back into an area that was "asleep" - only painful and constant. Or constant whenever I lay down, only standing made it go away. I would wake up in the middle of the night in pain with it, and had to sleep on my right side to quell it.

Why this happened, I do not know. Specialists taxed my insurance co-payment letting me know that yes, I was actually feeling what I was feeling, giving a name to it, and telling me there was nothing I could do about it. Surgery would cause more problems than it would solve, and besides, it usually lasts two years and goes away.

Don't know when it finally went away. Regular exercise always made it feel better, and though whatever pinched nerve caused it still makes itself known in very subtle ways, for the most part I ignore it.

Don't know what caused it. Obesity can, but at that point in time I had actually lost a lot of weight. Anyway. Hope the hamstring also heals. Now about those stretches ...