I hit the bottom.

It's like I have this lingering ugh. I have been exhausted, you know? That and I sobbed like a lost child on Friday, like I haven't cried in a very long time. It was brought on by Spit of You. It's always a song.

But yeah, strange. What does the anniversary of a death mean, anyway? A time for remembrance, but as I said, it is also a reminder of the decade just passed. I did a lot of thinking on Thursday. Friday was just emotionally draining.

Or I'm just tired.

Distance: 3 miles

Duration: 27:25

Then, this morning, as I was "detailing" the Element (the wife has gone out of town for the week) I struck my head on the rear open door. Had my head down, walked my full weight into it and now I have a half-inch wide gash across my forehead.

I have never minded being bald. I first noticed the pattern of hair loss when I was twenty-three and that was a surprise but I got over it pretty fast. I mean, I don't like insults or, as some people call them, "jokes" not because I am embarrassed for being bad but because, like most people, I care to be insulted. Body shaming comes in all forms, just like people, and excuse me for sounding like a wounded white man, but bald jokes do seem like the last acceptable form of body shaming.

No, the one thing that has always made me unhappy about not having hair is when I hit my head and there's a mark or a scab, I am very self-conscious about that. It is a visible sign of clumsiness, I feel it makes me look like a stupid guy. I have a scar at the top of my head from repeated abrasions and scrapes. And there's no hair to hide it.

Route: rec center
Temperature: 30°
Climate: snowy
Mood: depressed

Twenty years ago on this date, February 22, 2006, I had just had my first physical in six years. We ate dessert those days, and often. Probably came with having children. Sweet, little children. We rarely have a dessert any more, they are for occasional splurges.

It's also my first mention of Netflix, which was, at that time, solely a DVD rental-by-mail service. It was surprising to learn they were still doing that until three years ago. Last movie they ever shipped? True Grit (2010). Thank goodness it wasn't something embarrassing, huh?

2001 Playlist

Les Fleur - 4hero ft. Carina Andersson

Superheroes - Daft Punk 

Point of View Point - Cornelius

Exquisite Corpse from “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” OMPS 

Breathe - Télépopmusik ft. Angela McCluskey

Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box - Radiohead

Face to Face - Daft Punk

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 161 lbs. (-1.0)

Back to the gym. It was a good week, and I'm glad that I thought to write that. The running was good.

Planks: yes
Push-ups: yes

Sit-Ups: yes

To appear sad.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to our dear Puffball (full name: Catsby Puffball) who came into our lives in 2010, a beloved companion to our kids, a diligent nursemaid when we took ill, always there to provide a groom or cuddle.

Fourteen is no longer young for a cat, and he had developed a few, manageable illness, but when we returned from our vacation last month it was clear e had lost a great deal of weight and was becoming weaker. The vet determined he had multiple myeloma, a blood and bone cancer.

He was always the sweetest kitty. He would sleep with and protect my wife, either above her head or at her side. Occasionally he would curl up into my back. He took very good care of me when I was alone at home, recovery from eye surgery.

We had the cat put down. We cried. We went to have drinks at the Speakeasy, it was early, we were the only ones there. We took a walk in the heat. We went to see a movie. This morning I was still very sad.

Distance: 3.1 miles
Duration:  28:19
Pace: 9:07

Route: Boulevard Loop
Temperature: 79
Climate: puffy clouds
Mood: actually sad
Stretches: yes
Water: yes

Pain Reliever: yes

My city. I like it.

Gold Rush Playlist

Gold Rush - Death Cab for Cutie

Don't Carry It All - The Decemberists

Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups

Beverly - Low Cut Connie

2AM - Bear Hands

Africa - Weezer

Move - Saint Motel

Baseline: 185 lbs.

Weight: 175 lbs. (+1.0)

Goal: 170 lbs.

Breakfast: coffee w/cream, fresh fruit w/granola  yogurt

Coffee Break: PSL, banana bread

Lunch: Hawaiian jerk pork sand, tater tots

Dinner: Flume Double IPA, lentils over rice

Dessert: ice cream

I fucking love ice cream.

Mother says I was a great mistake.

Waking up with a headache on vacation is all kinds of suck. I rose, made coffee, set a fire, and went right back to sleep. But by noon I was much better, and full of cake.

I have been mindful of my portions, so as to allow myself to have a little of everything. When the sourdough pretzels break out of a game of Scrabble, I want to say yes. But carbs have been piling high and there will be a price to pay. All I know is that I still fit into my shorts.

Our edlest and I will be return home on own own on Sunday, the boy is remaining here with friends and even my wife will stay a few extra days. She loves it here so much.

Yesterday afternoon we laid our mother to her final rest. Her ashes, her remains, has sat in a biscuit tin on a bookshelf in our bedroom for a year and a half. It has been a burden. Mother would not approve, either, and if she were here she would be happy for me.

It was a picture perfect afternoon, we set out on a boat, her sons, their families. Words were spoken, I very carefully poured (not scattered) her ashes into the drink (she always called it the drink, "don't fall in the drink") where they coallesced into a cloud beneath the green, holding together for the moment for us to see before we drifted apart.

Distance: 3.53 miles
Duration: 32:24
Pace: 9:10
Route: Martin Point Run
Temperature: 68°
Climate: sunny & beautiful
Mood: good

What's That Lyric?

Novocaine For the Soul - Eels

He won't be back this way 'til 2010.

October 2019

Yes, let's run every other day. Feels good! Brisk. Perfect weather.

These are depressing days. I had reminders last week about Chicago, which was the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder, perhaps than even New York. Because New York was euphoric. The week before Chicago was spent in a room at University Hospitals with my mom.

Then there are all these remnders of the rest of the year, last year. Her fall. Thanksgiving. The death sentence. Some nights I surprise myself with my feelings. I've also cut the dose, so. Which I don't regret. But here I am.

Keep running. I can keep running, right?

Distance: 3.1 miles
Duration: 29:42
Pace: 9:34
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 48°
Climate: overcast & cool
Mood: determined
Weight: 178 lbs. (-2.0)

Sweeping Up at Grebe's Playlist

Pleasure of Love - Tom Tom Club

Why Me? (Extended Version) - Planet P

Promised You a Miracle (US Remix) - Simple Minds

Pale Shelter (Long Version) - Tears For Fears

Is There Something I Should Know (Monster Mix) - Duran Duran

Run away.

Our last full day, we must depart tomorrow at nine. am. Traditionally it is at noon, why so early? They clean the cabin from top to bottom, a thorough disinfecting. Indeed, when we arrived I had never found the place so clean. I mean, it's been clean, but there's clean and there's clean.

Check out at nine, next family cannot check in until five. They have taken things seriously here, and so have we. Always distanced, never stepping into anyone else's cabin. Outdoor meetings only.

The weather has been so pleasant, we have done our fishing and reading and reading and reading. The boy caught a four pound bass yesterday in Crystal Pond. He has not yet eaten any of his catches, back into the pond it went. But that was a real big fish.

The work resumes on Monday, if permitted I believe I will return to the office. There is so much we need to do.

Summer reading (hers, not mine.)

Distance: 3.5 miles
Duration: 33:28
Pace: 9:34
Route: Martin Point Run
Temperature: 79°
Climate: sunny & hot!
Mood: good, thanks.

Brisk run, hot and free. Right hip complaining for a bit, now my left knee. But there s nothing for me to complain about, really. A week that began with a deep slide into much controlled mourning (there are no secrets in this house, there are no ceilings upstairs but for the roof, my tears were muffled and silent) has resolved itself into a feeling of relaxation and something akin to relief.

Long drive tomorrow, a short one on Sunday. And that would be my birthday.

First 5K

I have been taking Zoloft (sertraline) since I completed the Chicago marathon. A great deal of my current anxiety was triggered by the loss of my mother, having lost her I am not sure if I need to continue taking this medication. On the other hand, that's probably because the medication makes me feel all right.

The last time I took an antidepressant was during the year 2011, a year I gained weight and ran half as much, check it and see. And I have again gained weight and have little to no interest in running. Thankfully, I have a son who has recently come into his own physical fitness routine, as an aspiring high school wrestler, and asks me to run with him. And I say yes.

Today he ran his first 5K, and I ran one, too.

Distance: 3.2 miles
Duration: 34:00
Pace: 10:40
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 39°
Climate: sunny, cool
Mood: good
Weight: 183.5 lbs.

Hear the highway breathing.

June 2019

"How beautifully leaves grow old. 

How full of light and color are their last days."

- John Burroughs

Live to Run - Run to Live

Cris Dopher died on Sunday evening. I have mentioned him here a few times. He came to see And Then You Die (How I Ran a Marathon in 26.2 Years) at the NY Fringe ten years ago this month. He commented on my blog and we began a sporadic correspondence. We met up to chat in Chelsea the following year, he gave me my first tour of the new High Line.

Cris was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis when he was five, they said he had another five to live. He was forty-seven when he passed.

In 2013 I asked him to design lights for Double Heart at the the Fringe. He used to run, but by that time he was carrying oxygen, and had to take a break every half block. That was the last time we met up, though we stayed in touch.

Since then he had a lung transplant. During that experience he met a woman who is also living with CF and they fell in love and got engaged. He was in a horrific motorcycle accident which almost killed him. He survived liver cancer, and recently had started chemotherapy for cancer in his new lungs. That was the fight at last he couldn't win.

Cancer, again. After all that, fucking cancer.

Like I said, we communicated sporadically, through social media. I kept up with his blog, and through long detailed posts on his Facebook page. He started his running blog a year before I started this one. This photo (at right) has always been a great inspiration to me.

He had cystic fibrosis, and he ran.

Cris was very generous. Cris had an attitude. Cris spoke his mind. Cris was an artist. Cris was a biker. Cris was a runner. Cris was a marathon runner.

I'm going to miss Cris.

If you wish to make a donation, his favorites were:

• Boomer Esiason Foundation (Team Boomer)
• Cystic Fibrosis Foundation
• Ellie’s Army  (he named his motorcycle after her)
• Behind the Scenes

Distance: 4 miles
Duration: 35:42
Pace: 8:55
Route: Boulevard Loop
Temperature: 66°
Climate: cool
Mood: as you would expect
Stretches: yes
Water: no (crap)

What's That Lyric?
And She Was - Talking Heads

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 167.5 lbs. (+2.5)
Goal: 160 lbs.

That little souvenir of a terrible year.

Full moon rising.

The beach house, this year, is located way at the the north end of Topsail Island. Previously, we had stayed at the south end. There was one house in particular the family rented for five (non-consecutive) years. It is located on the south end right next to the pier, across the street from the miniature golf.

Granted, I was only to make three of those years, but the place is impressed in my memory. It is where the children spent so much summer vacation joy. The decor there has nothing much to lend itself, I just remember the deck, the view, the proximity to things. There's a hot tub, which others used but I did not.

This place is away from everything, which I like those some do not. The wife misses the ability to walk to a bar, a restaurant a shop, the ice cream stand. I prefer the layout here. It's true, you can't get from the upper deck to the beach, you need to go back inside to do that on a lower floor.

But I like the layout of the upper floor much better. Before it was like a huge, long room, from kitchen, to dining area, and then a sitting place with TV and couches -- you need to walk through one area then the next to get out onto the deck.

Here, all the areas are next to each other, like a circle, from the kitchen counter clockwise to the dining area, and then to the sitting area It's smaller, but people can be doing anything, cooking, doing the jigsaw puzzle, watching the match and talk to each other, all in one space. You walk through the middle to get outside.

We have made journeys to the south side; for dinner Tuesday night, again yesterday when I took the girls shopping. I glanced at the rear of that other place, it's nothing to look at. The street view is not the point. We did not choose not to be there intentionally. It wasn't available when we made the reservation, very little was. This was a last minute decision.

Because when such decisions were to be made, we were mourning a loss, having a funeral. Not thinking so much about fun and summer and relaxation. All five of those summers, in that building, were spent with Chris. We are glad to be here, but I think we should be glad not to be staying there.

Distance: 3 miles
Pace: 8:46
Route: Topsail Beach
Temperature: 83•
Climate: hot & sunny
Mood: all right

Barefoot run, last of the season. Maybe I'll run tomorrow, but this morning I did it, I ripped up my toe. Basically I hit a stone on my way out, a small-one, well-placed. Didn't impede my momentum at all, just hurt, knew I'd separated skin. Anyway, no big deal.

Beautiful though, fast, running in the surf. Sprinting almost, in places. It was gorgeous. When I got back Is tripped down to my shorts and jumped in the surf. I floated on my back in the sea. I still live.

Exercises: yes

Can I also say my choice of music for running this summer has been almost maudlin. Yet, I like it. That's just where I am this year.

What's That Lyric?
Here's Where the Story Ends - The Sundays

With skull designs upon my shoes.

Thank you, David Bowie.

It's the girl's birthday today, but I was struck with overwhelming sadness, when "Lazarus" by David Bowie came on the radio. It was on a cold winter's day like today when that song was released, on his seventy-first birthday. Two days later he died, and it was like a wall of death began to sweep across our world.

My father, then the nation, then Chris. Watching us lose him, that was my first experience living so close to cancer. How on earth did Bowie make the video for this song? It must have been excruciating. Huh. Artists.

2016 Playlist
I Can't Give Everything Away - David Bowie
Thank God For Girls - Weezer
Breathe Life - Jack Garratt
Born Again Teen - Lucius
Dear World, - Nine Inch Nails

Brisk, cold. Who knew I would go so fast today, or for so long? In the teens, I thought maybe a lap around the block but I kept going. The music was good. The life continues, even now.

Distance: 2.25 miles
Route: Neighborhood Run
Temperature: 18°
Climate: cold
Pavement: rich & slippery with new-fallen snow
Mood: down

Stretches: yes

Eleven runs in January. I ran eight times during the last four months of 2017. We run, we stretch, and we continue to move forward, mostly free of pain.

Baseline: 178 lbs.
Today: 176 lbs. (-0.5)
Goal: 175 lbs.

We could run.

Yes, I have exercised every day this year, so far. And it does make a difference. Running has been out of the question, however. First of all, we were out of town for at the beginning of the week, an impromptu excursion to Orlando which was not without its perils, and taking a jog was out of the question.

At home it has been freezing, in the single digits. As the weather "warms" up the next few days, I may even sneak in a three mile run by Thursday, when it is supposed to be rainy and in the fifties.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we begin. 54 Playlists for 54 Years (1965-2018.)

2017 Playlist
Cold - Maroon 5 ft. Future
Shape of Your Body - Ed Sheeran
We Could Run - Beth Ditto
Day I Die - The National
tonite - LCD Soundsystem

Sugar is the villain. Since returning home I have decided to try not to ingest processed sugar. It comes in many forms, yes, the bread, the sauce, the anything.

But, for example, my daughter offered me a cookie. No, thank you. I do not want a cookie. Last night my son offered his milkshake. It was from Swenson's, a new site close to home, our first time trying this franchise. I said no, and then yes. What are their milkshakes like? They are milkshake-like. He offered another sip later, I said no.

Today, however, I popped half a roll of Smarties that were just lying around into my mouth without thinking why. Just did it. That is how that happens. Didn't enjoy it. Just took it. And I thought, why did I do that? This is how that happens.

Distance: 1.7 miles
Route: Two laps around the block.
Temperature: 21°
Climate: cold
Pavement: crusty with snow
Mood: determined?

I weight four pounds more than I did at the start of last year. Ideally I would live at 165 and never change. Vanity wants 160, and so does my wardrobe.

Baseline: 178 lbs.
Goal: 170 lbs.

All right. Did that. Must stretch after, every single time. Plan to run again Tuesday. The year began today.

Still life.

It is autumn, what Tom Robbins called "the springtime of death." Saw an old friend at his father's funeral yesterday. We hadn't seen each other for nearly nine years, It could have been nine minutes. He wrapped me in a big hug after the service.

HIM: What are you doing here?
ME: Oh man, what are you doing here?
HIM: Does it get better?
ME: I don't know.
HIM: Don't say that.
ME: I'll let you know in six months.

After the reception I was compelled to visit my father. Literally wiping fallen leaves from my father's stone with my bare hands. I told him a couple things. I never thought I would do that, talking to a cold stone in the ground. It's a little dramatic. But I felt bad before and I felt better after.

Distance: 3.3 miles
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 50°
Climate: cool and clear
Weight: 169 lbs. (+0.5)
Goal: 165 lbs.
Mood: good

Writing two plays, and editing a third. It's the editing which has been giving me anxiety. I have been listening to suggestions, waiting for the clue, waiting for the right direction to drop in. Just started saying that yesterday, I wait for the idea to "drop in."

Last night I spoke with my most trusted advisor and she asked me the questions I needed to answer, and the answers came cleanly. They may not be the right answers, but at least I know what the questions are.

Feeling unsettled and listless, I invited the boy to come bike with me. I haven't run in a week. That was good for both of us.

And ye gods, when was the last time I quoted Still Life With Woodpecker?

He had 2 run away, his pride was 2 strong.

Prince or Poe?

DAD: ... then he changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol, so folks called him The Artist Formerly Known as Prince or sometimes just "The Artist" --
BOY: The Artist sounds cool.

Distance: 10 miles
Avg Pace: 7:51
Duration: 1:18:33
Route: Lakeview to MLK Jr. Blvd. Loop
Week Seven Total: 28 miles 
Training To Date: 155 miles

Did not run to Gandhi, for my usual ten mile. Instead, I wanted to go through the cemetery on my way out, and around Wade Oval in University Circle for a water break before heading down to MLK and the entrance to the Cultural Gardens before heading more or less straight back to make a clean 10 mile run.

If I can run ten miles, half of it uphill, and still average less than an eight minute mile, I must be in some kind of good shape. Beautiful day. Beautiful run.

Temperature: 37°→52°
Climate: cool, then not so cool
Weight: 161 lbs.
Mood: good

Prince Playlist
My Name Is Prince
Gett Off (Purple Pump Mix)
I Feel For Your (remix) - Chaka Khan
Can't Stop This Feeling I Got *
The Glamorous Life (Club Edit) - Sheila E.
Electric Chair
Nasty Girl - Vanity Six
Controversy
Kiss (Anon Mix) - The Art of Noise ft. Tom Jones
Alphabet Street
Girls & Boys
When Doves Cry - Quindon Tarver (from "Romeo + Juliet")
Let's Pretend We're Married
The Beautiful Ones

I am so tired of breaking into tears. But I cleared ten miles just at the climax, and walked, and craned my neck to the sky, through the budding trees. It was cloudless and blue.

I may not know where I'm going, babe. I may not know what I need. But one thing's for certain, baby.

Those who run seem to have all the fun.

This tragedy isn't about me. But I am finding this year very difficult to take. It is as though all the doors of my life and closing behind me.

Distance: 5 miles
Avg Pace: 7:39
Duration: 38:15
Route: Boulevard-Noble Loop

For those who forget, it was (allegedly) the song Darling Nikki from "Purple Rain" that so scandalized Tipper Gore and motivated her to pressure her husband, Senator Al Gore, to hold congressional hearings to look into the deleterious effects of song lyrics on the minds of our young children.

Apart from having the opportunity to watch Frank Zappa make a complete ass out of our highest legislative body, the most significant result of the whole affair was that corporate music caved in and created the entirely arbitrary "Parental Advisory" label for records with questionable content.

The song Darling Nikki makes reference to masturbation. If Ms. Gore took the time to watch "Purple Rain" she may have understood the song in context, though it couldn't have made her any less uncomfortable. The Kid (Prince) is on stage performing at First Avenue and sees his flame Apollonia enter with his nemesis, Morris (and isn't Morris Day everyone's nemesis, after all?)

The Kid flies into a jealous rage and orders his band to change up the set, to perform that most lascivious of songs. He growls and whines and bumps and grinds and Apollonia gets what he's doing, and she's hurt and she leaves. Also, the manager of the club is pissed, but that's a different story.

The point is, The Kid was being a dick. He was wrong. We know he was wrong. But that was one part of the larger narrative.

The film "Purple Rain" was released the day after my sixteenth birthday. We listened to this album (and danced to it in driveways) and watched the movie on video over and over throughout my junior year in high school. The man made an indelible, unforgettable impression.

I learned many things from Prince, about the fluidity of sexuality, about passion and humor and humility. Grace and funk and just amazing music. How to love, and sometimes how not to love. And maybe even about God.

Temperature: 61°
Climate: warm!
Weight: 163 lbs. (-0-)
Mood: After 40 minutes running to Prince? Pretty good, actually.

All the hippies sing together.

Celebrating the one & only PRINCE @HamiltonMusical #RestInPurple #PrinceRIP pic.twitter.com/zbNB4veiYP

— G R E G O R Y (@ghaney22) April 22, 2016

Prince Playlist
CLOUDS
Starfish & Coffee
Take Me With U
Paisley Park
Mountains
7
Delirious
Erotic City
Love Song (w/Madonna) *

... what?

Run with the creeps.

Something just broke Sunday night. It began when I was in father's office, accounting of his things. In the week following his death we sorted his clothes, because that was what mom asked us to do first, to get those out. But when it came to the several and varied items in his dresser and desk (Swiss army knife, a watch) I thought it would be best to leave those, to write them down and then decide their fate later.

And so there I was, a month and a half later, doing that. I was making notes of items, lacquer college society pins, penknives, and so on, and I just felt like there was so much nothing. It didn't feel worth writing down, just cart it all up and take it to a junk shop or something. Good Lord, what the hell am I keeping in my dresser?

That night was "Second Easter". We hadn't been with mom for Easter, we had been in Athens. It was important to anyone at the table, Easter, not anymore, anyway. The absence at the head of the table was suddenly very strong to me, and I found that hard to take.

Distance: 3 miles
Avg Pace: 7:07
Duration: 21:22
Route: Boulevard Loop

I am continuing to avoid Facebook. It is apparent to me the extent to which I can use it to avoid doing others things. The boy plays Minecraft, I used Facebook. I have gotten much more done in the past week, and I do not miss the negativity, but I realize there is also a lot of positive energy there, too. I feel very alone without it.

Hail.

Temperature: 55°
Climate: WIND, man.
Weight: 163 lbs. (-1.0)
Mood: so much better

Weather this afternoon and evening has been absurd. The boy got off the bus, walked a few steps, and suddenly he was being pelted by hail. That lasted for about fifteen seconds as he ran down the street, then it just stopped, and turned into light rain.

I kept checking the temperature, it remained in the mid-fifties, but the wind was crazy, I was sure snow was going to blow in any second. But it didn't. Hard run, and by that I mean I was hard. Fast and fierce for three miles. It was a blessing.

The Message Playlist
The Message - Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five
King of Rock - Run-D.M.C.
All the Lifestyles - Beastie Boys
Witness (1 Hope) - Roots Manuva
The WildStyle - Time Zone

Today I feel the gray pulse in my head.

Forest Hill Park Swan

Almost six years ago, when I broke the news to my family over dinner that Harvey Pekar passed away, my son surprised us all by breaking down in tears. He had just met him at the pool a few days earlier. My son was five.

"I wanted to see him again!" he bawled.

It was the most simple, honest and heartfelt way I had ever heard to communicate grief. And it's what I have been coping with this week. After the celebrations, the dinners and memorials, sorting through clothes and writing eulogies and letters, I find myself driving the Shoreway or sitting at my desk or making breakfast and suddenly choking up and sobbing.

He was always here. Now he is gone. I wanted to see him again. Now I never will. Never again.

Distance: 3.65 miles
Avg Pace: 7:36
Duration: 27:45
Route: Forest Hill Loop

Just another less than satisfying Saturday afternoon, waking headachy, slouching about, napping ... I have been, continually, without enough sleep. I developed a neck strain and a tic in my right eye during the last week, the tic comes and goes, and the pain in my neck or shoulders.

Stress, to be sure. Unhappiness, sorrow coalesces into depression. A colleague suggests it is rest I need. But how can I rest when sleeping after dawn almost consistently gives me terrible sinus pain?

The wife says I need to see a doctor. It's allergies. It's dust mites.

I don't care. I just don't care very much. Not right now. Not about anything.

Temperature: 36°
Climate: cool with very light snow
Pavement: mostly dry
Weight: 163 lbs.

Amazing how a run can clear my head, clear my sinuses. Clean air, exercise. Filling my head with freshness. I did not want to run in the cold, I was looking forward to it getting warm again, which they say it will and shortly. But today the cold was just what my poor head desired.

I feel a little better.

1983 Playlist
Let's Dance (Extended Version) - David Bowie ft. Stevie Ray Vaughn
I'm Still Standing - Elton John
Church of the Poison Mind - Culture Club
Whenever You're On My Mind - Marshall Crenshaw
The Upstairs Room - The Cure
Talk About the Passion - R.E.M.
A Ray of Sunshine - Wham!

From this world to the next, and from the next back to this.

It has been a long week. My father's ashes were interred yesterday morning. That was odd. The small, black box which held his remains was sitting on a pedestal and they funeral director asked Mom if she would like to see them buried, and she said yes. This was something she hadn't been asked during her father's funeral, twenty-seven years ago.

They backed up a small maintenance vehicle, placed the box in the hole and covered it with earth and sod. I believe we were all very impressed.

We held his memorial at Lakewood Presbyterian Church. Family had come in from out east, from England. Standing in the receiving line, the oddest attendance, not only from his life but from mine. I was impressed and touched by those who arrived for him and also for the rest of us, many I hadn't seen in years or decades.

There followed an afternoon and evening of eating and drinking, telling stories, looking at photo albums. Talking, always talking.

Today my brothers are heading home. A week-long mourning period comes to an end. I have to get back to work.

Distance: 3.6 miles
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 45°
Climate: cool and bright
Pavement: dry
Weight: 162 lbs.
Mood: yes.

Perfect day. Like an early spring day. We have a visitor in the pond, it is a swan.

Eleven runs in February. Not a record, but it is remarkable. Thank you for your time.

1993 Playlist
Stay (Faraway, So Close)  - U2
Sober - Tool
Lonely Planet - The The
Sodium Light Baby - The The
Epilogue (Nothing 'Bout Me) - Sting
Hip Hop Hooray - Naughty By Nature
Lies - Cyndi Lauper

Round my heart I felt an aching pain.

Bay Days Five Mile Fun Run (1980?)

From the image at left, based on the bib number, I am almost certain this is the 1980 Bay Days Five Mile Run.

That was my first race. My number was 623, and it is the same type of unlabeled card, same large font.

That is a light cardstock, by the way. Perhaps there were holes punched into it, not sure.

Dad was running the race, and somewhere I got the idea that I would also. I did not do too badly. But he was out in front of me.

Do you see? His feet do not touch the ground.

Distance: 3.25 miles
Route: Forest Hills Loop

Head down into the light snow and wind. A beautiful run around Forest Hills. Brisk pace, great bpms, good music.

Temperature: 34°
Climate: wind and light snow
Pavement: wet
Weight: 163 lbs.
Mood: all right

2013 Playlist
Fare Thee Well (Dink's Song) * - Oscar Isaac & Marcus Mumford
Pumping Blood - NONONO
Everything (155 bpm) - Nine Inch Nails
Harlem - New Politics
San Fransisco - The Mowgli's
Animals - Martin Garrix
Love Somebody - Maroon 5
Royals (170 bpm) - Lorde

Figures from the past stand tall.

Heights Six Cities Marathon (year?)

My father ran two marathons. Now I realized I do not know when they were.

One was the Heights Six Cities Marathon, which used to run through Cleveland Hts., Shaker Hts., University Hts., South Euclid, Lyndhurst and ... Beachwood?

The other was in Sandusky, mom believes in 1983. I am sure I can find this information in the house, at the moment I am just ashamed I don't already have this information at my fingertips.

This is what we are doing this week. Excavation.

Distance: 3.36 miles
Avg Pace: 7:56
Duration: 26:40
Route: Boulevard Loop

Running through the cold rain. It was glorious. Maybe it sounds unpleasant to you, but properly dressed, and as long as there is no wind, it is actually very nice.

I put on a cotton hoodie, because I wanted to wear my cap to keep the rain out of my eyes, but needed to cover my ears. Running in the cold with ears uncovered I can feel a little deaf for a period.

I need this time. Time to think.  I my writing my eulogy. It is coming together slower than I had thought it might.

Temperature: 37°
Climate: rain
Pavement: wet, puddles
Weight: 162.5 lbs.
Mood: anxious

Was 1979 the greatest year in pop music history? The wife might agree, so might my brother. I should ask him. This playlist is particularly good.

1979 Playlist
Look Back In Anger - David Bowie
Candy-O - The Cars
Life During Wartime - Talking Heads
Dead Souls - Joy Division
Boys Keep Swinging - David Bowie
Pulsing Pulsing - XTC
Hateful - The Clash
Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen
Cleveland Rocks - Ian Hunter

Indeed.

Why must I? Why should I?

Some Police fans were a bit disoriented when Sting started recording solo albums. What's this soft jazz shit? I liked Blue Turtles a lot, and that was actually a hit album. However, fewer of my friends enjoyed Nothing Like the Sun, and I initially found The Soul Cages tiresome.

I really liked Nothing Like the Sun, and I was aware that he had written it after the death of his mother. The mother-son motif was something I could respond to. As Sting's father died shortly thereafter, Soul Cages was about him, which is probably why I didn't care for it.

Because the father-son thing. At the age of twenty-two I wasn't into the father-son thing. I loved my father, but there wasn't much understanding there. I mean, I tried. But it wasn't a thing.

The album grew on my however, even as I stopped listening to new Sting material altogether. We used several themes from Soul Cages in the Bad Epitaph production of Hamlet. The loss of fathers weighs heavily in that play, and my Hamlet in that production has lost his father a few years earlier himself.

One song in particular has always crushed me, even when dad was living; Why Should I Cry For You. It is not a disrespectful question, it is an honest, searching inquiry. It also has perfect beats per minute. It is hard to run fast and cry at the same time. I am glad I wearing sunglasses.

Distance: 5 miles
Avg Pace: 7:56
Duration: 39:45
Route: Boulevard-Noble Loop
Temperature: 30° → 34°
Climate: cool and bright
Pavement: dry
Weight: 161.5 lbs.
Mood: as you might expect

1991 Playlist

- or -

"The Soul Cages" by Sting

Island of Souls

All This Time

Mad About You

Jeremiah Blues (Part 1)

Why Should I Cry for You (162 bpm)

Saint Agnes and the Burning Train

The Wild Wild Sea

The Soul Cages

When the Angels Fall

Should you have to leave us it'll be all right.

The universe intervenes. Thought things were frustrating last week, with the opening of the outreach tour, cold temps and sidewalks crusted with slippery snow and ice.

That was before I received a phone call from my father's pastor Friday morning that my father had suffered a massive heart attack and that I needed to rush to Lakewood Hospital. It was too late, I found my mother, the pastor and my father - he, dead in the emergency room.

Such a beautiful weekend. High of seventy degrees. Spent almost none of it outdoors. No time to run, no desire to run. You know my father was a runner? Of course you do.

Distance: 3.21 miles
Avg Pace: 7:47
Duration: 25:01
Route: Boulevard Loop

Can't tell you how selfish I felt taking a run. Did anyone see me out there? What must they think. Mostly I felt selfish for feeling good. Not emotionally good, just physically well. In shape. It's been a week, and while my brain cannot cool my body has not had much movement. It felt great last night just to cook dinner for my mother and my brother.

And it was good.

This is going to be a long week. The memorial is on Saturday. Denny and I will go through things, our cousins will all be involved. And we have to keep mom in the game.

Temperature: 45°
Climate: cool
Pavement: dry
Weight: 161.5 lbs.
Mood: as you might expect

Recently, I made note on my other blog that the year 1989 was the greatest year in the history of popular music. This is an argument I would enjoy having with anyone. Go ahead, read the post, in which I highlight only three albums, with the intention of commenting on additional albums in the future.

We shall see if I ever get to that. In the meantime, it is the day for running to the 1989 playlist.

1989 Playlist
Zaar - Peter Gabriel
Garden of Earthly Delights - XTC
Sowing the Seeds of Love - Tears For Fears
Cuts You Up - Peter Murphy
Dreaming I Am - Bob Mould

See? What did I tell you? 1989. Some playlist.