The wife reminds me that I am often depressed (maudlin, low energy, etc.) this time of year. Yes, it is the anniversary of father's passing, but it's also just winter. The long, slow slog out of the cold, with no festival of lights, no time off or time with family to bring the cheer.
The Olympics have been fun to watch, Toni gave me that. I do not recall paying any attention to the Games prior to my life with her. The past two weeks I have just turned on the screen to watch whatever, skiing, curling, snowboarding, skating, and, of course, the hockey.
We had a hometown hero on our team this year, and they took the gold. Remarkable.
Distance: 3 miles
Duration: 24:34
I need to resume the good habits. Too many puzzles, first thing in the morning. Today I wrote, which, I have to remind myself, is a form of exercise. Add a glass of water to the cup of coffee, first thing, as you write for 30 minutes. Good habits.
Route: rec center
Temperature: 16°
Climate: cold
Mood: I think I might be better!
It's like I have this lingering ugh. I have been exhausted, you know? That and I sobbed like a lost child on Friday, like I haven't cried in a very long time. It was brought on by Spit of You. It's always a song.
But yeah, strange. What does the anniversary of a death mean, anyway? A time for remembrance, but as I said, it is also a reminder of the decade just passed. I did a lot of thinking on Thursday. Friday was just emotionally draining.
Or I'm just tired.
Distance: 3 miles
Duration: 27:25
Then, this morning, as I was "detailing" the Element (the wife has gone out of town for the week) I struck my head on the rear open door. Had my head down, walked my full weight into it and now I have a half-inch wide gash across my forehead.
I have never minded being bald. I first noticed the pattern of hair loss when I was twenty-three and that was a surprise but I got over it pretty fast. I mean, I don't like insults or, as some people call them, "jokes" not because I am embarrassed for being bad but because, like most people, I care to be insulted. Body shaming comes in all forms, just like people, and excuse me for sounding like a wounded white man, but bald jokes do seem like the last acceptable form of body shaming.
No, the one thing that has always made me unhappy about not having hair is when I hit my head and there's a mark or a scab, I am very self-conscious about that. It is a visible sign of clumsiness, I feel it makes me look like a stupid guy. I have a scar at the top of my head from repeated abrasions and scrapes. And there's no hair to hide it.
Route: rec center
Temperature: 30°
Climate: snowy
Mood: depressed
Twenty years ago on this date, February 22, 2006, I had just had my first physical in six years. We ate dessert those days, and often. Probably came with having children. Sweet, little children. We rarely have a dessert any more, they are for occasional splurges.
It's also my first mention of Netflix, which was, at that time, solely a DVD rental-by-mail service. It was surprising to learn they were still doing that until three years ago. Last movie they ever shipped? True Grit (2010). Thank goodness it wasn't something embarrassing, huh?
2001 Playlist
Les Fleur - 4hero ft. Carina Andersson
Superheroes - Daft Punk
Point of View Point - Cornelius
Exquisite Corpse from “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” OMPS
Breathe - Télépopmusik ft. Angela McCluskey
Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box - Radiohead
Face to Face - Daft Punk
Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 161 lbs. (-1.0)
Back to the gym. It was a good week, and I'm glad that I thought to write that. The running was good.
Wednesday night I was on my own, the wife at a dinner, the elder at their internship. It has been a while since I have been on my own with nothing to do myself. And since the kids have graduated high school, I have tried to take advantage of opportunities like these to do things I always told myself I wanted to -- like to watch movies on my own.
I have also been affected by the use of screens, the inability to focus on one story from beginning to end. It's easier at the cinema. On Monday I treated myself to The Testament of Ann Lee. I went out, had a beer, got popcorn, and watched a flick, all by my lonesome.
Wednesday night, I took time to make a list of possible selections. I chose M, Fritz Lang's 1931 psychological thriller which introduced the world to Peter Lorre.
Goodness. Isn't that film timely.
Distance: 3.1 miles
Duration: 28:11
Pace: 9:05
Ten years ago yesterday, my life changed forever. Maybe it is too facile to think that only the death of someone close to me defines my existence, but upon reflection it certainly seems that way. When Calvin was born in 2001, I became a different person, suddenly, and then gradually. I thought differently, looked at the world and the people in it differently.
When my father died of a massive heart attack on the morning of February 19, 2016, my world shifted again, and I moved into this new phase of my life with uncertainty, but also a new purpose.
With the deaths of Bowie and Prince at around the same time, it became a meme that year, "Everyone is dying! Put a ring around Betty White!" Yeah, well. As George St. Geegland put it, "When a famous person dies, blame the year and make it about you." My father died in 2016, it wasn't part of a curse, it was thing that happened. It was going to happen, fathers die.
As will I, some day. Most mornings these days I say farewell to our elder child as they head off to the openings shift at a local bakery and coffee shop. I am their father. As he was to me, I am to them. I hope I live so long. Longer, though. When did my father stop running? Why did he stop running? I feel like it was something he did for a short while, starting later than I did, and stopping before this. I do not recall.
The exercise keeps me healthy, and fit. Will it extend my existence?
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 52°
Climate: sunny & damp
Mood: sad
I am so sick of some people.
2021 Playlist
Be Sweet - Japanese Breakfast
Security - Amyl & The Sniffers
The Overload - Yard Act
Now I'm In It - Haim
Wet Dream - Wet Leg
Freedom - Jon Batiste
Russian Doll - Gully Boys
The Gathering - Frank Turner
Spit of You - Sam Fender
Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 162 lbs. (+2.0)
We watched the USA Gold match yesterday. I had fried pickles, mozzarella moons and onion rings. Then I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day.
Would the weekend have been as taxing if I were not ill? As we continue into the week, I feel as though I have had a piece of me bitten off. Disoriented, dizzier.
My run on Monday, as I reported, included a few near spills. Slips on snow and ice. I don't want to become like my father, falling all the time. Losing my balance.
I wonder if household falls are going to become an issue for me. I have never liked how cluttered our house is, having to navigate piles of stuff. Our halls are too narrow for this. I am going to tumble backward and break my hip, or worse.
Distance: 3.1 miles
Duration: 29:25
Pace: 9:28
We are making plans for the Cleveland 10K, and by we, I mean me and one other. It will require training. The race is on 16 May. Ten years ago, that weekend, it fucking snowed. It could again, right? I mean, who knows what the fuck will happen?
This morning I was socked with a migraine. I haven't felt such head pain in, I am glad to say, I very long time. Much of this was my fault, stayed up later than my body wanted me to, didn't drink enough water last night. I had head pain all night, in the morning I tried to fight through it, but there is only so much you can do. I even took a shower, and almost fell over in the tub. Not good.
Two ibuprofen, one Sudafed, and a Dramamine -- it's the Dramamine I could have used twenty years ago, the sick feeling of the migraine that makes it unendurable. I was able to sleep for three solid hours.
Thank God, it's Presidents Day. We had a lovely weekend with my wife's family, celebrating the life of her eldest uncle. I do love spending time with her family, very much. They are all so thoughtful, compassionate and creative. The service was remarkable. It was held in a chapel in Hyde Park, the priest gave the most sincerely affecting homily, I don't believe I have ever left a memorial service feeling so hopeful.
At the same time, I was nursing my cold and felt a bit stand-offish. I wanted to thank her, to thank the musician at the reception, our hosts, but I kept losing the moment. I can still do these things (well, not for the guitarist) and will make a note to do so.
Distance: 3.5 miles
Duration: 34:21
Pace: 9:49
We took the Lake Shore Limited. We discussed the possibility of never flying into NYC again. True, it takes half a day to get there, but so what? It's so much cheaper, the taxi from LaGuardia to wherever we're staying -- one way -- is one hundred bucks all by itself, and you get dropped off in the heart of the city! And it's not like air travel has anything to recommend it, it's maybe half the time, all told, right? Six hours, as opposed to twelve?
And you can read on the train, take a walk, relocate for a bit, they have acceptable food options, or you can bring your own.
Then again, returning home today. Not sleeping on the coach, and it was so cold. I am so sick and tired of cold. Pulling in at 4:00 am. The day is a complete write-off. Thank God, it's Presidents Day.
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 50°
Climate: sunny & lovely
Mood: more determined than ever
Pavement damp, puddled, or clogged with crispy snow. Nearly wiped out twice from slipping, once almost falling forward, the second to the side. Still, ran steady but easy, stopping when necessary, into the street when the sidewalk was high with snow and the street was free.
First outdoor run since the Turkey Trot, first park run since November 22. The gym is so even, so controlled, so predictable (others notwithstanding) the outdoors makes me breath harder, think harder, move harder. It is more taxing to run outdoors. It is more rewarding.
1992 Playlist
One Place (Acoustic) - Everything But the Girl
Eastern Bloc - Thomas Dolby
Mama's Always On Stage - Arrested Development
Television is the Drug of the Nation - Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy
Twenty years ago, on February 14, 2006, I noted how I felt running would prolong my life. I said that I hoped our elder child to be "older than this before I die." I was thirty-seven then. They are now twenty-three. So I just need to hang on another fourteen years.
February 14, 2006 Playlist
Remember the Time - Michael Jackson
Closer to God - Nine Inch Nails
Party Machine - Hoodoo Gurus
All Night Long - Peter Murphy
Burning Love - Elvis Presley
Atom Bomb (Atomix 1) - Fluke
Dead Man's Party - Oingo Boingo
Run On - Elvis Presley
Distance: 3 miles
Duration: 28:36
This weekend we took the train to Poughkeepsie for a celebration of life event. I have suffered a cold the past few days (it started in while I was teaching Wednesday afternoon) and while I could have taken the mile long walk from Toni's cousin's place to the hotel, I am weary of being cold.
Temps pick up this week, for a bit. But will the pavement in East Cleveland be clear enough for the first outdoor run of 2026? We shall see.
Site: Heartwood Hotel at Vassar (exercise room, treadmill)
Temperature: 30°
Climate: cool & clear
Mood: addled
2012 Playlist
Another Night - Claptone
Five Seconds - Twin Shadow
Sweet Nothing - Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch
I Knew You Were Trouble. - Taylor Swift
Default - Django Django
Youth Without Youth - Metric
Can't Hold Us - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton
Stretches: yes
Water: yes
We're reading more books! I made it a goal to read twenty books (or full length scripts) in 2026, and recently finished both Dark Renaissance by Stephen Greenblatt and Monsters by Claire Dederer.
"Love is not reliant on judgment, but on a decision to set judgment aside."
- Claire Dederer, Monsters
Now onto the play script, Up Your Ass by Valerie Solanas. Happy Valentine's Day!
For an "easy week" it's pretty full. Conducting the Salesmanresidency at an exurban high school, attending an in-person staff meeting (a rarity since COVID) and hitting Dark Room. But 80s music is inspiring, so run we must.
Also, we just ended the longest streak of below-freezing days since 1899! But not today.
Distance: 3 miles
Duration: 24:47
"You need despair and anger in order for an authoritarian to rise."
- Heather Cox Richardson
Route: rec center
Temperature: 30°
Climate: cool
Mood: all right?
1982 Playlist
I'm So Excited (Extended Version) - The Pointer Sisters
More Than This - Roxy Music
Pressure - Billy Joel
Jason & the Argonauts - XTC
Don’t Go - Yazoo
Rio (Night Version) - Duran Duran
Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 160 lbs. (-0-)
We are attending a ceremony of life in Poughkeepsie this weekend, I am not certain if I will get a run in. In fact, I'm not sure that I should try. Because these are the times I should relax and not worry about such things. Still, twenty-one consistent runs since the beginning of the new year. Something to be thankful for.
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