I hit the bottom.

It's like I have this lingering ugh. I have been exhausted, you know? That and I sobbed like a lost child on Friday, like I haven't cried in a very long time. It was brought on by Spit of You. It's always a song.

But yeah, strange. What does the anniversary of a death mean, anyway? A time for remembrance, but as I said, it is also a reminder of the decade just passed. I did a lot of thinking on Thursday. Friday was just emotionally draining.

Or I'm just tired.

Distance: 3 miles

Duration: 27:25

Then, this morning, as I was "detailing" the Element (the wife has gone out of town for the week) I struck my head on the rear open door. Had my head down, walked my full weight into it and now I have a half-inch wide gash across my forehead.

I have never minded being bald. I first noticed the pattern of hair loss when I was twenty-three and that was a surprise but I got over it pretty fast. I mean, I don't like insults or, as some people call them, "jokes" not because I am embarrassed for being bad but because, like most people, I care to be insulted. Body shaming comes in all forms, just like people, and excuse me for sounding like a wounded white man, but bald jokes do seem like the last acceptable form of body shaming.

No, the one thing that has always made me unhappy about not having hair is when I hit my head and there's a mark or a scab, I am very self-conscious about that. It is a visible sign of clumsiness, I feel it makes me look like a stupid guy. I have a scar at the top of my head from repeated abrasions and scrapes. And there's no hair to hide it.

Route: rec center
Temperature: 30°
Climate: snowy
Mood: depressed

2001 Playlist

Les Fleur - 4hero ft. Carina Andersson

Superheroes - Daft Punk 

Point of View Point - Cornelius

Exquisite Corpse from “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” OMPS 

Breathe - Télépopmusik ft. Angela McCluskey

Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box - Radiohead

Face to Face - Daft Punk

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 161 lbs. (-1.0)

Back to the gym. It was a good week, and I'm glad that I thought to write that. The running was good.

Planks: TBA
Push-ups: TBA

Sit-Ups: TBA

One day that’ll be your forehead I’m kissing.

"This hasn't happened to me since M!"

Wednesday night I was on my own, the wife at a dinner, the elder at their internship. It has been a while since I have been on my own with nothing to do myself. And since the kids have graduated high school, I have tried to take advantage of opportunities like these to do things I always told myself I wanted to -- like to watch movies on my own.

I have also been affected by the use of screens, the inability to focus on one story from beginning to end. It's easier at the cinema. On Monday I treated myself to The Testament of Ann Lee. I went out, had a beer, got popcorn, and watched a flick, all by my lonesome.

Wednesday night, I took time to make a list of possible selections. I chose M, Fritz Lang's 1931 psychological thriller which introduced the world to Peter Lorre.

Goodness. Isn't that film timely.

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 28:11
Pace: 9:05

Ten years ago yesterday, my life changed forever. Maybe it is too facile to think that only the death of someone close to me defines my existence, but upon reflection it certainly seems that way. When Calvin was born in 2001, I became a different person, suddenly, and then gradually. I thought differently, looked at the world and the people in it differently.

When my father died of a massive heart attack on the morning of February 19, 2016, my world shifted again, and I moved into this new phase of my life with uncertainty, but also a new purpose. 

With the deaths of Bowie and Prince at around the same time, it became a meme that year, "Everyone is dying! Put a ring around Betty White!" Yeah, well. As George St. Geegland put it, "When a famous person dies, blame the year and make it about you." My father died in 2016, it wasn't part of a curse, it was thing that happened. It was going to happen, fathers die.

As will I, some day. Most mornings these days I say farewell to our elder child as they head off to the openings shift at a local bakery and coffee shop. I am their father. As he was to me, I am to them. I hope I live so long. Longer, though. When did my father stop running? Why did he stop running? I feel like it was something he did for a short while, starting later than I did, and stopping before this. I do not recall.

The exercise keeps me healthy, and fit. Will it extend my existence?

Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 52°
Climate: sunny & damp
Mood: sad

I am so sick of some people.

2021 Playlist

Be Sweet - Japanese Breakfast

Security - Amyl & The Sniffers

The Overload - Yard Act

Now I'm In It - Haim

Wet Dream - Wet Leg

Freedom - Jon Batiste

Russian Doll - Gully Boys

The Gathering - Frank Turner

Spit of You - Sam Fender

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 162 lbs. (+2.0)

We watched the USA Gold match yesterday. I had fried pickles, mozzarella moons and onion rings. Then I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day.

Planks: yes
Push-ups: yes

Sit-Ups: yes

Must keep up with the upper body exercises.

I'm a dude, dad.

Would the weekend have been as taxing if I were not ill? As we continue into the week, I feel as though I have had a piece of me bitten off. Disoriented, dizzier. 

My run on Monday, as I reported, included a few near spills. Slips on snow and ice. I don't want to become like my father, falling all the time. Losing my balance. 

I wonder if household falls are going to become an issue for me. I have never liked how cluttered our house is, having to navigate piles of stuff. Our halls are too narrow for this. I am going to tumble backward and break my hip, or worse.

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 29:25
Pace: 9:28

We are making plans for the Cleveland 10K, and by we, I mean me and one other. It will require training. The race is on 16 May. Ten years ago, that weekend, it fucking snowed. It could again, right? I mean, who knows what the fuck will happen?

Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 57°
Climate: sunny!
Mood: unsteady & grateful

1972 Playlist

Popcorn - Jean-Michel Jarre

I Saw the Light - Todd Rundgren

Satellite of Love - Lou Reed

You're So Vain - Carly Simon

Crocodile Rock - Elton John

All the Young Dudes - Mott the Hoople

Traveler in Time - Uriah Heep

Gudbuy T’Jane - Slade

City of New Orleans - Arlo Guthrie

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 160 lbs. (-1.0)

This morning I was socked with a migraine. I haven't felt such head pain in, I am glad to say, I very long time. Much of this was my fault, stayed up later than my body wanted me to, didn't drink enough water last night. I had head pain all night, in the morning I tried to fight through it, but there is only so much you can do. I even took a shower, and almost fell over in the tub. Not good.

Two ibuprofen, one Sudafed, and a Dramamine -- it's the Dramamine I could have used twenty years ago, the sick feeling of the migraine that makes it unendurable. I was able to sleep for three solid hours.

Planks: TBA
Push-ups: TBA

Sit-Ups: yes

Spring-like weather. See you Friday.

The crime was looking up the truth.

Thank God, it's Presidents Day. We had a lovely weekend with my wife's family, celebrating the life of her eldest uncle. I do love spending time with her family, very much. They are all so thoughtful, compassionate and creative. The service was remarkable. It was held in a chapel in Hyde Park, the priest gave the most sincerely affecting homily, I don't believe I have ever left a memorial service feeling so hopeful.

At the same time, I was nursing my cold and felt a bit stand-offish. I wanted to thank her, to thank the musician at the reception, our hosts, but I kept losing the moment. I can still do these things (well, not for the guitarist) and will make a note to do so.

Distance: 3.5 miles

Duration: 34:21
Pace: 9:49

We took the Lake Shore Limited. We discussed the possibility of never flying into NYC again. True, it takes half a day to get there, but so what? It's so much cheaper, the taxi from LaGuardia to wherever we're staying -- one way -- is one hundred bucks all by itself, and you get dropped off in the heart of the city! And it's not like air travel has anything to recommend it, it's maybe half the time, all told, right? Six hours, as opposed to twelve?

And you can read on the train, take a walk, relocate for a bit, they have acceptable food options, or you can bring your own. 

Then again, returning home today. Not sleeping on the coach, and it was so cold. I am so sick and tired of cold. Pulling in at 4:00 am. The day is a complete write-off. Thank God, it's Presidents Day.

Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 50°
Climate: sunny & lovely
Mood: more determined than ever

Pavement damp, puddled, or clogged with crispy snow. Nearly wiped out twice from slipping, once almost falling forward, the second to the side. Still, ran steady but easy, stopping when necessary, into the street when the sidewalk was high with snow and the street was free.

First outdoor run since the Turkey Trot, first park run since November 22. The gym is so even, so controlled, so predictable (others notwithstanding) the outdoors makes me breath harder, think harder, move harder. It is more taxing to run outdoors. It is more rewarding.

1992 Playlist

One Place (Acoustic) - Everything But the Girl

Eastern Bloc - Thomas Dolby

Mama's Always On Stage - Arrested Development

Television is the Drug of the Nation - Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy

We Are Each Other - Beautiful South

Humpin' Around - Bobby Brown

Galileo - Indigo Girls

The King of Wishful Thinking - Go West

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 161 lbs. (+1.0)

Planks: yes
Push-ups: yes

Sit-Ups: TBA

Straight to your heart.

Twenty years ago, on February 14, 2006, I noted how I felt running would prolong my life. I said that I hoped our elder child to be "older than this before I die." I was thirty-seven then. They are now twenty-three. So I just need to hang on another fourteen years.

February 14, 2006 Playlist

Remember the Time - Michael Jackson

Closer to God - Nine Inch Nails

Party Machine - Hoodoo Gurus

All Night Long - Peter Murphy

Burning Love - Elvis Presley

Atom Bomb (Atomix 1) - Fluke

Dead Man's Party - Oingo Boingo

Run On - Elvis Presley

Distance: 3 miles

Duration: 28:36

This weekend we took the train to Poughkeepsie for a celebration of life event. I have suffered a cold the past few days (it started in while I was teaching Wednesday afternoon) and while I could have taken the mile long walk from Toni's cousin's place to the hotel, I am weary of being cold.

Temps pick up this week, for a bit. But will the pavement in East Cleveland be clear enough for the first outdoor run of 2026? We shall see.

Site: Heartwood Hotel at Vassar (exercise room, treadmill)
Temperature: 30°
Climate: cool & clear
Mood: addled

2012 Playlist

Another Night - Claptone

Five Seconds - Twin Shadow

Sweet Nothing - Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

I Knew You Were Trouble. - Taylor Swift

Default - Django Django

Youth Without Youth - Metric

Can't Hold Us - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton

Stretches: yes
Water: yes

We're reading more books! I made it a goal to read twenty books (or full length scripts) in 2026, and recently finished both Dark Renaissance by Stephen Greenblatt and Monsters by Claire Dederer.

"Love is not reliant on judgment, but on a decision to set judgment aside."

- Claire Dederer, Monsters

Now onto the play script, Up Your Ass by Valerie Solanas. Happy Valentine's Day!

You have to learn to pace yourself.

For an "easy week" it's pretty full. Conducting the Salesman residency at an exurban high school, attending an in-person staff meeting (a rarity since COVID) and hitting Dark Room. But 80s music is inspiring, so run we must.

Also, we just ended the longest streak of below-freezing days since 1899! But not today.

Distance: 3 miles

Duration: 24:47

"You need despair and anger in order for an authoritarian to rise."
- Heather Cox Richardson

Route: rec center
Temperature: 30°
Climate: cool
Mood: all right?

1982 Playlist

I'm So Excited (Extended Version) - The Pointer Sisters

More Than This - Roxy Music

Pressure - Billy Joel

Jason & the Argonauts - XTC 

Don’t Go - Yazoo

Rio (Night Version) - Duran Duran

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 160 lbs. (-0-)

We are attending a ceremony of life in Poughkeepsie this weekend, I am not certain if I will get a run in. In fact, I'm not sure that I should try. Because these are the times I should relax and not worry about such things. Still, twenty-one consistent runs since the beginning of the new year. Something to be thankful for.

Planks: TBA
Push-ups: yes

Sit-Ups: TBA

Suddenly, a new burst of energy has occurred.

On February 9, 2006, I wrote about "the route." This was the route I regularly ran, ever since I moved to Potter Village. I would weave up and down the streets in the my neighborhood, and then perhaps do one large loop that, again, did not take me very far from home.

I had not realized this yet, the first side street I would take had (it still has) a significant incline, which was taxing on this inexperienced runner who wore nine year old sneakers and had only stopped smoking less than five years earlier.

Distance: 3 miles

Duration: 24:31

BTW the halftime show was fucking epic.

Route: rec center
Temperature: 2°
Climate: just cold
Mood: all right 

It's a winter, you know? Like we've forgotten what that is. It's cold for a while, and there's snow and ice. Then it gets warmer and we have spring. It's good for the planet to have a winter. And the forecast is, it's over.

2002 Playlist

This Love - Maroon Five

Fuck the Pain Away - Peaches

Do You Realize?? - Flaming Lips

Breathe In - Frou Frou

Music Plus 1 - Cornershop

8 Mile - Eminem

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 160 lbs. (-0-)

One things I have learned reading over the first few posts from this blog, is that pain a temporary. It comes, it goes, I feel it in different places. But it's not permanent. Eventually, perhaps but not yet. But shit, my back hurts.

Planks: yes
Push-ups: yes

Sit-Ups: yes

See you Wednesday.