Life's too short to be alone.

Team Feller

Friends asks, "How are YOU doing?"

I don't know how to answer that honestly. "I'm fine," is the spontaneous reaction. We don't want to concern anyone. But I'm not.

Spent the day yesterday doing housework. Also making cookies for the team, ice cream for the staff. I'm not even eating any of these things, I just want to provide treats.

Also, it's feels like work. I want to avoid not doing anything. I'm also reading, etc.

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 28:27
Pace: 9:10

It is hard to plan a run before work when the sun doesn't come up until seven. It helps when you wake up a full hour before your 5 AM alarm and can't get back to sleep.

Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 71°
Climate: warm & humid
Mood: anxious, but determined

Songs For My Funeral

God Only Knows - David Bowie

Live and Learn - Marshall Crenshaw

Lonely Planet - The The

I Sing the Body Electric - Laura Dean, Irene Cara, Paul McCrane, Traci Parnell, Eric Brockington & the company from "Fame" (1980)

It's Not Over ('Til It's Over) - Bleu

Thank You For Hearing Me - Sinéad O'Connor

And then you die. What's next?

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 164 lbs. (-1.0)

Planks: TBA
Push-ups: TBA

Sit-Ups: TBA

I feel so strong now.

Home again. Rainy day. Funny how a 64° morning, after a spring rain, can feel cooler than a dry 56°. Maybe it's the moisture in the air? 

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 28:57
Pace: 9:20

Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 64°
Climate: damp. nice.
Mood: all right

Last night, depression. This morning, better. I was awake for about an hour in the middle of the night, just when I would distract myself from one concern, another would take its place.

1977 Playlist

New Rose - The Damned

Love → Building on Fire  Talking Heads

Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment - The Ramones

Point of Know Return - Kansas

Pulled Up - Talking Heads

Deacon Blues - Steely Dan

Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel

Dust in the Wind - Kansas

Good run, though. Lovely, après le déluge.

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 165 lbs. (+3.0)

This is not a surprise. Lot of fast food, restaurant food, Maria's delicious, calorie-dense breakfasts. I need to eat at home, be mindful of portions, choose the salad, etc.

Planks: TBA
Push-ups: TBA

Sit-Ups: TBA

I want to run. She’s pulling me apart.

I would ask, "What have I done to deserve this?" But I am well aware of all the things I have done, good and bad, and I have to assume this all balances out. The question is, can I learn from this experience. I think it means a lot that I have been able to accomplish as much as I have this year under this duress.

Jesus. Every gluten-free cookie, turned to ground glass.

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 28:04
Pace: 9:03

Depression is deadening. And it is a challenge to keep moving forward. You know, there are times when I have said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, and I just suffer through, aware of the damage I myself have caused, to others, and by extension to myself, hoping for that day that the ache has passed, and that life, for me, anyway, has resumed some kind of normalcy.

Then there are times like this, when I am just the unfortunate receptor of several unfortunate attacks, in quick succession, often unrelated, but so personal. And I don't know what to do about that. I have no one to talk to about it, no one to trust with this.

Like the man said, it's a drag isn't it?

Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 54°
Climate: light fluffy clouds
Mood: trying

I've have spent years, my entire adult life, learning to be careful with my speech, with what I say. Even more recently, what not to put into an email. God, I'm angry. Calm, and sad, and very angry. And no one knows. No one but you.

1989 Playlist

Gucci Again - Schoolly D

She's a Mystery To Me - Roy Orbison

Buffalo Stance - Neneh Cherry

Chewing Gum - Elvis Costello

Steppin' to the A.M. - 3rd Bass

Big House - Michael Penn

She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals

The Garden of Earthly Delights - XTC

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 165 lbs. (+4.0)

I can't explain this.

Planks: TBA
Push-ups: TBA

Sit-Ups: TBA

These are the days. Sunrise over the park, perfectly cool -- but not too cool. Comfortable, free and easy. I need more of this.

See you Saturday.

Where boys run free!

"Pride of Cleveland Suburb Soars for U.S. Hockey"
New York Times, 2/19/2026

The wife reminds me that I am often depressed (maudlin, low energy, etc.) this time of year. Yes, it is the anniversary of father's passing, but it's also just winter. The long, slow slog out of the cold, with no festival of lights, no time off or time with family to bring the cheer.

The Olympics have been fun to watch, Toni gave me that. I do not recall paying any attention to the Games prior to my life with her. The past two weeks I have just turned on the screen to watch whatever, skiing, curling, snowboarding, skating, and, of course, the hockey.

We had a hometown hero on our team this year, and they took the gold. Remarkable.

Distance: 3 miles

Duration: 24:34

I need to resume the good habits. Too many puzzles, first thing in the morning. Today I wrote, which, I have to remind myself, is a form of exercise. Add a glass of water to the cup of coffee, first thing, as you write for 30 minutes. Good habits.

Route: rec center
Temperature: 16°
Climate: cold
Mood: I think I might be better!

1981 Playlist

Music For Boys - The Suburbs

9 to 5 - Dolly Parton

I’m Your Money - Heaven 17

Of Lillies & Remains - Bauhaus

Johnny, Are You Queer? - Josie Cotton

Regiment - Brian Eno & David Byrne

The Freeze - Spandau Ballet 

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 160 lbs. (-1.0)

Planks: yes
Push-ups: yes

Sit-Ups: yes

I hit the bottom.

It's like I have this lingering ugh. I have been exhausted, you know? That and I sobbed like a lost child on Friday, like I haven't cried in a very long time. It was brought on by Spit of You. It's always a song.

But yeah, strange. What does the anniversary of a death mean, anyway? A time for remembrance, but as I said, it is also a reminder of the decade just passed. I did a lot of thinking on Thursday. Friday was just emotionally draining.

Or I'm just tired.

Distance: 3 miles

Duration: 27:25

Then, this morning, as I was "detailing" the Element (the wife has gone out of town for the week) I struck my head on the rear open door. Had my head down, walked my full weight into it and now I have a half-inch wide gash across my forehead.

I have never minded being bald. I first noticed the pattern of hair loss when I was twenty-three and that was a surprise but I got over it pretty fast. I mean, I don't like insults or, as some people call them, "jokes" not because I am embarrassed for being bad but because, like most people, I care to be insulted. Body shaming comes in all forms, just like people, and excuse me for sounding like a wounded white man, but bald jokes do seem like the last acceptable form of body shaming.

No, the one thing that has always made me unhappy about not having hair is when I hit my head and there's a mark or a scab, I am very self-conscious about that. It is a visible sign of clumsiness, I feel it makes me look like a stupid guy. I have a scar at the top of my head from repeated abrasions and scrapes. And there's no hair to hide it.

Route: rec center
Temperature: 30°
Climate: snowy
Mood: depressed

Twenty years ago on this date, February 22, 2006, I had just had my first physical in six years. We ate dessert those days, and often. Probably came with having children. Sweet, little children. We rarely have a dessert any more, they are for occasional splurges.

It's also my first mention of Netflix, which was, at that time, solely a DVD rental-by-mail service. It was surprising to learn they were still doing that until three years ago. Last movie they ever shipped? True Grit (2010). Thank goodness it wasn't something embarrassing, huh?

2001 Playlist

Les Fleur - 4hero ft. Carina Andersson

Superheroes - Daft Punk 

Point of View Point - Cornelius

Exquisite Corpse from “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” OMPS 

Breathe - Télépopmusik ft. Angela McCluskey

Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box - Radiohead

Face to Face - Daft Punk

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 161 lbs. (-1.0)

Back to the gym. It was a good week, and I'm glad that I thought to write that. The running was good.

Planks: yes
Push-ups: yes

Sit-Ups: yes

Looking for something I'll never find.

Powderpuff is canceled.

Second shingles vaccine yesterday. My shoulder is sore, but that is all, and that is good. I did not care to be feverish and unwell today (though I guess I still could be.)

Also, did a blood draw and apparently I am in the acceptable range for a person my age. This is an improvement over last August. I think.

What is troubling to me is how depressed I got last night. I was at an event where I suddenly felt entirely irrelevant thought that may simply be reality hitting me in the face. What have I done? Is any of it relevant? I feel like I have been loud and meaningless.

Probably a good thing few people read this blog. It's one of the few spaces where I choose to be honest.

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 30:46
Pace: 9:55

Route: Forest Hill Loop

Temperature: 68°
Climate: sunny & nice

Mood: down

 

Nearly healed. Feeling good.

 
Stretches: yes

Sit-Ups: 50

Water: yes

Breakfast: coffee w/cream, fresh blueberry, blackberry, raspberry, cherry, banana w/granola. yogurt, honey & sunflower seeds 

Treat: Skittles

Lunch: smoothie bowl w/fresh strawberry, mango, cantaloupe w/chocolate/PB granola & Nutella, because fuck protein

Snack: Cheez-Its

Dinner: burrito w/chips & guac

Alcohol? no

Baseline: 195 lbs.

Current: 170 lbs. (-1.0)

Goal: 165 lbs.

Reading: 30 min.

What's That Lyric?

Gold Rush - Death Cab for Cutie

The last generation.

Thank you, Ms. Turner.

Recently I lost interest in keeping my playwriting blog. It happened to coincide with the conclusion of my studies, and that may actually have been part of it. I'm not sure. The wife suggested, only once, that it might be a sign of depression, this lack of interest.

But I'm not depressed, not right now. I have been, in the past year. But I feel positive, engaged, seeing people, having fun (natural fun!) and every time I think of a topic for a blog post I also think, that sounds like work, and not work that you want to be doing right now.

Kept that blog for twelve years. Kept this one for over seventeen years, and will continue to do so as long as I continue to run.

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 29:00
Pace: 9:21

Route: Forest Hill Loop

Temperature: 48°
Climate: sunny & cool

Mood: good

Tina Turner Playlist

Come Together * (w/Ike Turner)

River Deep - Mountain High * (w/Ike Turner)

We Don't Need Another Hero

Addicted to Love (Live)

Better Be Good to Me

It's Only Love (w/Bryan Adams)

The Acid Queen

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Stretches: yes
Abdominals: 90 sec.

Upper body: 10 rep. (2x)
Water: yes

Breakfast: coffee w/cream, fruit smoothie bowl w/blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, birthday granola & agave

Lunch: Hot Tito combo (pop & chips) from Geraci’s

Happy Hour: IPA (1x)

Dinner: blue cheese burger w/bacon, cheese curds

Salty, salty.

Baseline: 195 lbs.

Current: 179 lbs. (+0.5)

Goal: 175 lbs.

I keep a-running when the trouble follows.

Being demoralized makes me sleepy. Like, literally. when I am depressed, I just want to lie down. That was me on Friday. I did take a nap (I have really been avoiding naps) it didn't help, and then I just wanted another one a couple hours later. Luckily, we had dinner plans.

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 31:20
Pace: 10:05

Route: Forest Hill Loop

Temperature: 61°
Climate: it's complicated (see below)

Pavement: wet
Mood: driven

Slept in too late, again. The wife says, why not, but I know why. My head hurts. Sleeping in makes my head hurt, full stop. But I did manage to do some writing which was nice.

We're the the home stretch for March Mildness, and I am anxious about what comes next. Will I just lose my resolve? Gain the weight back? Go back to scarfing down treats and swilling booze? Abstinence is easier for me than moderation. 

 

2017 Playlist

Always Ascending - Franz Ferdinand

Plimsoll Punks - Alvvways

Want You Back - Haim

River - Bishop Briggs

IDGAF - Dua Lipa

Lucky Penny  - JD McPherson

I Give You Power - Mavis Staples ft. Arcade Fire

Across the Room - ODESZA ft. Leon Bridges (164 bpm)

 

Thought I missed my window of opportunity. Forecast said sixty degrees all week, by the time I got out the sun had gone and it was very windy, dark and thunderous. I went anyway. Running into the wind was a bear, but not unbearable.

As I was entering the woods, I could see a break in the clouds approaching, and by the time I emerged it was sunny again! It was beautiful, and totally worth it. I am much stronger! Stronger than I have been in years!

Also, I was depressed -- but now I feel much better.

 
Stretches: yes
Abdominals: 90 sec. (2x)
Water: yes

Breakfast: coffee w/oatmilk, pasta salad w/tuna (1 C.)

Pre-Run Snack: banana

Lunch: pizza, ranch, salad

Snack: clementine

Happy Hour: OJ on ice

Dinner: pasta w/mushroom & meat sauce, spinach soufflé

Baseline: 195 lbs.

Current: 183 lbs. (-0.5)

Goal: 180 lbs.

You are never gonna keep me down.

Getting there.

Two runs within fourteen hours? Why not. The weather is ideal and  I am not, as they say, getting any younger.

There was a party here last night, with pizza and large cookies and ice cream. I had a smallish ice cream cone, that was it. My wife made a pasta salad loaded with vegetables and beans, from which I ate a measured portion.

Yesterday was a good eating day. A treat is a special gift. It's all about portion control and chewing slower. For one day. Can I make it two?

Take it easy.

Distance: 3.25 miles
Duration: 31:13
Pace: 9:36
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 70°
Climate: partly cloudy, so nice
Mood: so much better

Stretches: yes

Water: yes
Weight: 186 lbs. (-1.0)

Goal: 185 lbs.  

Glorious, and so was the weather. I feel like a new person. I think I need more sleep -- at night.

Intake

Breakfast: coffee (2x), bran cereal (1C), berries (1/2C), milk (1/2C)

Lunch: pasta salad (1C), apple

Snack: banana

Treat: cookie (1)

Dinner: pasta w/meatballs, salad, beer

Cocktail: G&T

With this diet I gained one pound.

1997 Playlist

The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly) - Missy Elliott

Tuthumping - Chumbawamba

Gettin' Jiggy With It - Will Smith

Your Woman - White Town

MMMBop - Hanson

Walkin' On the Sun - Smash Mouth

Piku - The Chemical Brothers

Keep Hope Alive - The Crystal Method

O shit.

Morning: Still not great, you know? How to start a Saturday morning without having to say anytning. It's hard. I just want to figure it all out before I'm expected to weigh in on anything. Because commenting has its consequences.

It is morning now, as I type this, long before the run I know will take place. And I wonder how this will all fall out. I think I am just going to pick up things, right now that is my idea of a good time.

But will my run be good? Will there be strength? Will I feel easy, or will I feel awkward? I wonder these things.

Noon: So. I did chores. Washed dishes. Cut the grass. It is a bright, beautiful day, and I am drowsy. Time to go for that run.  

Afternoon: I tried, I failed. I got some way down the street but all I could think of was stopping. My legs were heavy. I felt so tired. I tried to keep going, but I did not want to. I just stopped. I walked back to the house. I sat on the couch and watched TV.

A beautiful day, perfect weather. And I did not wnt to run, or even to walk. I just wanted to stop.

This is not normal. This never happens.

Standing there but never ever talking sense.

Depression can really affect your physicality. What a fucking pointless day. And I was looking forward to it. Here goes nothing.

Distance: 2 miles

Duration: 21:14
Pace: 10:37
Route: Neighborhood Circuit
Temperature: 80°
Climate: sunny & hot
Mood: very, very, very bad

Stretches: yes
Weight: 188 lbs. (-1.0)

Very hot, very bright. The 70s mix was just the right mood, tomorrow I may go further, with the 1993 mix. Because, you know. That's the greatest year in the history of popular music. 

Intake

Breakfast: chocolate chip cookies (3x), coffee (3x)

Lunch: leftover pizza, Mtn Dew Flamin Hot

Snack: two more cookies

Concert: old fashioned, beer

Dinner: cheesburger, onion rings

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

1973 Playlist

I Can't Stand the Rain - Ann Peebles

Right Place Wrong Time - Dr. John

What Is Hip - Tower of Power

5:15 - The Who

I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe) - Genesis

Paris 1919 - John Cale

Together we'll mend your heart.

Oh, my. This day is not working out as I had anticipated. I have a pain in my chest like I haven't felt since late 2019. It's filling me with dread and fear.

Seriously, this is what is happening to me today. Some of this is circumstantial, but seriously. Am I going to have chest pains now, is that what I have to endure?

Distance: 3.1 miles
Duration: 31:19
Pace: 10:06
Route: Forest Hill Run
Temperature: 78°
Climate: overcast & humid
Mood: well?

Stretches: yes
Weight: 188.5 lbs. (-0-)

This day has been very difficult. And yet, I did it. And it felt good. But two hours ago I was lost, the earth was dragging me down. So I let it. And then I ran.

Intake

Breakfast: pancakes with butter, syrup & yogurt (2x), coffee (2x)

Lunch: beef & spinach soup, ice cream (2 scoops)

Dinner: baba, cauliflower, tuna steak rolled, beer

Cocktail hour: ginger ale

2008 Playlist

I Will Possess Your Heart - Death Cab for Cutie

Great DJ - The Ting Tings

Umbrella - Rihanna ft. Jay-Z

That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings

Nine In the Afternoon - Panic! at the Disco

Black & Gold - Sam Sparro

American Boy - Estelle ft. Kanye West

I wonder what you're living for.

As my mother used to say, "Well. I'm glad you got that out of your system."

Today is not a day I would choose to go running. It's very hot. I had a poor night's sleep. And I feel weak, disengaged, numb, depressed. I'm not actually numb, I feel like crying. I feel like giving up on everything.

But the boy and I just got new shoes from Second Sole. Saucony, that's a first. He was leaving as I got home, and he encouraged me to take a run, which was thoughtful.

I'm tired. I feel like doing nothing at all. Once my father had a terrible headache (he told me this story) he was a young man and his head hurt so much he couldn't stand it. He said he took ten aspirin, figuring they would either kill him or make his pain go away. Anyway, it didn't kill him.

I have no idea if this is a smart thing to do. It doesn't feel like it. But I keep dithering her at my laptop because I have no idea what else to do.

Distance: 3.25 miles
Duration: 30:26
Pace: 9:22
Route: Boulevard Loop
Temperature: 79°
Climate: hot & sunny
Mood: very bad
Weight: 169 lbs. (-1.0)

It was difficult, but not hard. Not much speed, but I felt good. Managing rush hour traffic, and the Greek Festival. Watching pedestrians and parked cars and stopping at all intersections.

Saw some bullshit at the main intersection, up the hill. Not paying attention to people in the crosswalk when trying to make a left turn in front of oncoming traffic. Blowing your horn three times to let people know you know you're running a red light, but I don't care. Assholes.

Heading down the hill I see a car coming to a stop at a side street at the stop sign, so I run through. Then they accelerate. I shouted, they saw me and looked shocked as they peeled past, missing me by feet.

I am going to get killed. Someone is going to kill me.

Nice new kicks, though.

Intake
Breakfast: coffee (2x)
Lunch: pizza (1 slice), salad, cupcake
Dinner: nachos w/pico de gallo, corn on the cob

Dessert: cookies, milk

Also, fizzy water (1x), mocktail

What's That Lyric?

First Wave Intact - Secret Machines

It's brutal out here.

Still feeling dead inside. Yesterday I was waiting to get an e-check and I started feeling this tightness in my, I couldn't take a deep breath with feelling it. Not a sensation you want to have. I don't have it today. Slow-motion heart attack?

Seriously. I can't even walk. I feel weak. And my chest still hurts. I do not feel like running. I am just tired. Unhappy and tired. I keep crying. I have been working so hard to see the light, but I keep being shown the darkness.

I want to run, but I am unable to run. I feel like running would ne hadr, like it was Sunday, and not get any easier. This is what it felt like leading up to - and including - the Chicago Marathon. I did not want to run, and it was so hard to run. But I ran, anyway.

Okay. Well? Fuck.

Distance: 3.65 miles
Duration: 37:55
Pace: 10:23
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Climate: overcast & humid
Mood: bad
Weight: 173 lbs. (-3.5)

Grueling. But enjoyable. So there's that.

This will pass away.

Sometimes I am tempted to ask for help on Facebook. I wish I wouldn't do that. I post things but then delete them It's not what that place is for. God, I hate Facebook. 

What a cold and dull rainy day. Where on earth is the sun hid away?

Seriously, though. This day can suck a dick.

I wish there was someone who could help me. But I'm really the only person who can do that.

Distance: 3.1 miles
Duration: 32:39
Pace: 10:32
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 70°
Climate: overcast and cool
Mood: not good
Weight: 176.5 lbs. (+2.5)

Did that help? No idea. I still feel terrible. Lead-footed and miserable. But the music was good. I requested one of these. Guess which one.

Erie Effusion - Live on WRUW

I Don't Want Your Love (Shep Pettibone 7") - Duran Duran

Like the Weather - 10,000 Maniacs

Everyone a Puzzle Lover - 10,000 Maniacs

Rain - Tones On Tail

Mirror People (Slow Version) - Love and Rockets

Ball of Confusion - Love and Rockets

I'm exhausted. Why am I so exhausted?

Before I go forever.

Wearing it.

It has been quite a month. I feel selfish taking a run on this particular afternoon, but I haven't exercised, at all, since the marathon. And that's not good, either.

Distance: 2 miles
Duration: 17:51
Pace: 8:55
Route: Horizon Loop
Temperature: 40°
Climate: sunny & cool
Mood: ???

So, here's the deal. Shortly after the race I began taking Wellbutrin (bupropion) for anxiety and depression. The effect was almost immediate, with some bizarre though not unpleasant side effects. However, after a few weeks I began experiencing chest pains which were presumably muscular, not vascular in nature. And yet, the toll emotionally was extreme, this "heart attack lite," and so we decided to make a change.

Now I am taking Zoloft (sertraline) which is also effective, but the jury is still out as to whether I am going to stick with it. Simply put, I feel less inspired than usual, which was what I always worried would happen on antidepressants.

However, the last time I took a session of meds was eight years ago. In 2011 I wrote two plays, which was two more plays than I had written the year before. I also ran half as much as the annual average and gained a great deal of weight.

So here we are. Today the wife texted me to say how beautiful it is outside, and she was right. It was, is gorgeous. And I ran.

What's That Lyric?
The Night - Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons

Can't wait until the weekend comes!

On average, a dozen people read this blog. Unless I post something on social media, between ten and twenty people read each individual post. That's enough to assume they are all bots. No offense to those one or two of you who may be human.

You may have noticed I have had nothing to say for about a week. That is because my mother was in the hospital, I won't go into details, she's fine now, really. Fine and at home, which is good.

But I have never wanted to run a marathon less than I want to run Chicago on Sunday. I haven't had nor taken the opportunity to train properly. My long runs have been painful, and I'm not better prepared now than I was three weeks ago.

Distance: 4 miles
Duration: 34:32
Pace: 8:37
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 62°
Climate: cool. nice.
Mood: all right
Stretches: yes
Water: yes

That, and I am depressed. Unfocused. Stressed out.

There is good news. I had an allergy test yesterday, and I am not allergic to seafood. I am allergic to the histamines that can develop in seafood that has been sitting around for a few days, so. Maybe no more raw seafood, no more sushi.

Tomorrow I meet with a new doctor, which I hope is a fruitful relationship. I need a physical. I am concerned about my sugar intake. Yesterday I wrote a play about it.

The weather in Chicago this week should be ideal. Dry, cool. Fifty degrees. I will be prepared for that.

That's it. That's all I got.

What's That Lyric?
Meccanik Dancing (Oh We Go!) - XTC

Wish we could turn back time.

It was a hard-earned lesson, but I it was made clear to me at a very early age that it is not necessary for me to let everyone in the neighborhood know our family's personal business. My mother also impressed upon me that it was never appropriate to judge or comment upon other families on their business.

In short, I was taught to mind my own business. I was never very good at it, but that's what mom would have preferred.

So I will not comment her health, or how her issues are affecting my ability to train for this race. Let me just make clear this is the case, it is trying, and mind your own business.

Distance: 6 miles
Duration: 50:08
Pace: 8:21
Route: Forest Hill-Cain Park Loop
Temperature: 56°
Climate: overcast, some light rain
Mood: bad
Stretches: yes
Water: yes

It's not that this is hard, it's that its not happening. I am hoping for a miracle next week. This has become a terrible time to be attempting another marathon. I used to get up early to run, but I can't because I need my sleep. I would run in the evening, but I can't because everyone has schoolwork to accomplish and I am needed to keep the house in order.

There's no time, and when there is time, I feel guilty for having taken time. I hate this. I cannot remember the last time I was happy.

I cannot remember the last time I was happy. That's very depressing, isn't it?

What's That Lyric?
Stressed Out - Twenty-One Pilots

Remembering you running soft through the night.

This came in the mail yesterday.

This sucks. Not running for four days, I have a marathon in less than a month and I have that fatigue in my right thigh I get that reminds me I am not running.

We're all exhausted, which provides a neat excuse for members of the family to stop assisting with housework, only when I neglect housework, everyone notices.

Rehearsal period is always a challenge, in the old days I would get up at four o'clock just to run, today I just can't. Straight to work in the morning, straight to bed in the evening, and far too late in the evening, especially when emotions are high which they often are, and always at bedtime. All too predictable, inevitable, and apparently unavoidable.

The good news is I am writing mornings again. That's right, Writing. Why not run instead? Because fuck you, that's why.

Distance: 5.75 miles
Duration: 51:19
Pace: 8:55
Route: Forest Hill-Cain Park Loop
Temperature: 76°
Climate: sunny & bright
Mood: not good
Stretches: yes
Water: yes

Yes, I dyed my hair black, briefly, when I was a sophomore in college. And yet, that was a bright and sunny time. I was a strutting dick doing little work and playing all the time. It was the following summer that my heart went dark and the Goth-pop music I had been fiddling with started to really be a hook in my soul.

Hot summer, sun bigger and brighter and whiter than snow. But those short nights were a torment.

Today I chose the Dark & Gothic playlist. What a reminder. What a gas.

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 166 lbs. (+1.0)
Goal: 160 lbs.

What's That Lyric?
Pictures of You - The Cure

So play the resurrector and give the dead some life.

Hello, darkness.

What do you do. What do you do when your heart is no longer in it. When you are tired, and you don't even know why you are tired. When you are sad and entirely angry at the same time. When you are sad that you haven't run in three days, and entirely uninterested in running ever again. When you are so sorry and yet so resentful. When it all seems so pointless, not just running, but absolutely everything. What do you do.

It's not even a question. No one can provide answer so there's no point in even connecting. It's all fucking stupid. I just fucking hate everything because i fucking love everything but none of it matters.

There's no one home and nothing to do. I'm going for a run.

Distance: 9 miles
Duration: 1:18:05
Pace: 8:40
Route: Forest Hill to Heights High to Cain Park and Back
Temperature: 70° → 67°
Climate: cool
Mood: bad
Stretches: no
Water: yes

That was supposed to make me feel better, to energize me and make me feel alive. It didn't.

Baseline: 179.5 lbs.
Today: 167.5 lbs. (+1.5)
Goal: 160 lbs.

What's That Lyric?
Check the Rhime - A Tribe Called Quest