The course of a lifetime runs.

Still, I have these occasional pains in the area of my chest. Not my heart, exactly, but sometimes. The doctor asks, does exertion cause pain? And no, it absolutely does not. I mean, it really does not. I run, and I run fast, and I can overheat, or lose my breath, but it's never pain. It never hurts.

It remains to appear to be a side-effect of the medication I take for anxiety. Yes, remains to appear to be so. That is when these pains began. I wonder if leaving the medication will eliminate the pain. Knowing me, I wouldn't notice.

Distance: 3.1 miles
Duration: 30:11
Pace: 9:44
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 82°
Climate: overcast & hot
Mood: okay?
Weight: 181 lbs. (-1.0)

Intake
Breakfast: coffee (1x)
Lunch: spaghetti with mushroom & faux meat sauce
Dinner: ham & cheese sandwich with a pickle, beer (1x)

Also, fizzy water (2x), Manhattan (1x)

1972 Playlist

Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

Root Down (And Get It) Live - Jimmy Smith

Go All the Way - The Raspberries

I Saw the Light - Todd Rundgren

Mother and Child Reunion - Paul Simon

Bang a Gong (Get It On) - T. Rex

Last Night (I Didn't Get To Sleep At All) - The 5th Dimension

My 100th run of the year. Not bad, considering. My all-time low (since 2006) was the year 2011, when I was on a series on antidepressants. I was also writing a lot, and that may have kept me off the road, but mostly I was just not all that interested in running. 

Injury kept me from running a great deal in 2017. But this year wasn't much different -- except for June, when I was crazed, running almost every day. The weather. The mania. The quarantine.

I have no goals, no races, no specific achievement, just the running itself. The running is the goal. To keep running.

Distance: 2 miles
Duration: 18:41
Pace: 9:21
Route: Two times around the block
Temperature: 36°
Climate: light snow
Mood: all right
Weight: 182 lbs. (+2.0)

Plank Challenge: 120 seconds

Brisk run, feels good. Yesterday I was a snack monster. I need to resume drinking a lot of water.

Will I live another twenty four.

I do not feel good this morning. But I cannot quantify how it is I feel. I cannot describe it. I will try. I am not in pain. I feel it in my muscles, it affects my thinking. I have been awake at 4:30 these past few morning,s and try to sleep for the next several hours. I doze. I cannot relax because every few moments, a stillness will affect my body, a "reset" much like the brain "buzzes" which afflict someone coming off certain antidepressants.

But I'm not coming off them. I am entirely on them. Is sleeping affecting that? What if I took my antidepressant when I started feeling that way? Is it a twenty-four hour withdrawal? But then why do I still feel that way, almost an hour after having taken one?

I will run. The morning is perfect. So much for the forecast, which said it would rain all day. I need to move these muscles. The thing is, my ankle (did I say left? I meant right.) was sore all day yesterday, after my run and taking a nap. So it will be a little tender. But running seems like to only thing I can do.

Distance: 2 miles
Duration: 18:49
Pace: 9:24
Route: Two times around the block.

Good run, no pain. The tempo has been good, I have been using the 155-159 BPM playlist recently (see right) which is not my best speed, but it's not exactly not fast, either. Feels good.

Maybe could have gone longer, but I am sweating buckets and I didn't want to tax my ankles and worse.

Temperature: 72°
Climate: bright & HOT
Mood: good, right?
Weight: 190 lbs. (-1.0)

Achievement unlocked, I guess? I would like to eventually be back at 170 lbs., right now the 180s would be an improvement. Keep going. Time for granola, yogurt and BERRIES.

What's That Lyric?
Good Day - Ice Cube

First 5K

I have been taking Zoloft (sertraline) since I completed the Chicago marathon. A great deal of my current anxiety was triggered by the loss of my mother, having lost her I am not sure if I need to continue taking this medication. On the other hand, that's probably because the medication makes me feel all right.

The last time I took an antidepressant was during the year 2011, a year I gained weight and ran half as much, check it and see. And I have again gained weight and have little to no interest in running. Thankfully, I have a son who has recently come into his own physical fitness routine, as an aspiring high school wrestler, and asks me to run with him. And I say yes.

Today he ran his first 5K, and I ran one, too.

Distance: 3.2 miles
Duration: 34:00
Pace: 10:40
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 39°
Climate: sunny, cool
Mood: good
Weight: 183.5 lbs.

Before I go forever.

Wearing it.

It has been quite a month. I feel selfish taking a run on this particular afternoon, but I haven't exercised, at all, since the marathon. And that's not good, either.

Distance: 2 miles
Duration: 17:51
Pace: 8:55
Route: Horizon Loop
Temperature: 40°
Climate: sunny & cool
Mood: ???

So, here's the deal. Shortly after the race I began taking Wellbutrin (bupropion) for anxiety and depression. The effect was almost immediate, with some bizarre though not unpleasant side effects. However, after a few weeks I began experiencing chest pains which were presumably muscular, not vascular in nature. And yet, the toll emotionally was extreme, this "heart attack lite," and so we decided to make a change.

Now I am taking Zoloft (sertraline) which is also effective, but the jury is still out as to whether I am going to stick with it. Simply put, I feel less inspired than usual, which was what I always worried would happen on antidepressants.

However, the last time I took a session of meds was eight years ago. In 2011 I wrote two plays, which was two more plays than I had written the year before. I also ran half as much as the annual average and gained a great deal of weight.

So here we are. Today the wife texted me to say how beautiful it is outside, and she was right. It was, is gorgeous. And I ran.

What's That Lyric?
The Night - Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons

I'm not as strong as I used to be.

Artwork: The Everlasting Ash

There is a side-effect to coming off of certain antidepressants which are commonly referred to as "brain zaps." They even have a fancy name, antidepressant discontinuation syndrome which leaves one with the impression they have no idea why it happens or what to do about it.

"This is the thing that happens when you discontinue antidepressants." Couldn't you at least put it in Latin?

Weaning myself from Lexapro I developed this syndrome, which can best be described as a moment of disorientation followed by a buzzing which feels like an electric shock only without the pain. But it is very unpleasant. My last recorded incident was six years ago.

Until yesterday. Yesterday afternoon I had them, a lot. They were pronounced as I had afternoon sleepiness, took a nap (they happened a lot during my brief nap) and as we prepared to go out for the evening.

They were not an issue all evening, or at bedtime. But when I was woken in the middle of the night they hit me again and again and again, making it hard to go to sleep. They they have not bothered me all morning.

What's going on?

1975 Playlist
Mama Mia! - ABBA
Sweet Transvestite - Tim Curry & Company
Young Americans - David Bowie
Life Is A Ministrone - 10cc
Say You Love Me - Fleetwood Mac
Ease On Down the Road - Stephanie Mills & Company
I Love Music (Pt. 1) - The O'Jays
Slow Ride - Foghat
Death On Two Legs (Dedicated To ...) - Queen

Dedicated to, indeed.

Distance: 3.75 miles
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 38•
Climate: sunny and cool
Pavement: clear & damp
Mood: unresigned

Stretches: yes

Baseline: 178 lbs.
Today: 173.5 lbs. (-1.0)
Goal: 170 lbs.

Went out with friends for a glamorous CLE evening at Adega at the 9. Managed not to drink too much, not to eat too much, and not to stay out too late. Adega was nice. The Vault is stupid.

The rabbits running in the ditch.

Your Christmas trees.

Pain began in my lower back on the left side, and down into my buttock. Then my calf began to hurt and finally, yes, my thigh. In that order, like the strain started independently in two places, but then were finally connected, a straight line of stress from lower back to ankle.

I have continued running, every other day and sometimes every day, since the new year. In 2012 I began the year over 180 pounds. I had come down off of anti-depressants, which as you might expect made me less unhappy and anxious, but also a bit listless and unmotivated. I trained for a spring marathon and actually shed fifteen pounds between New Year's and the race.

I also wrote several plays in a short period of time.

I am not depressed now (not like that, anyway) and have not waited until my weight was that far out of control before taking action, but this month, these two weeks, have been challenging. A lot of sitting, followed by the exercise. I fantasize about yoga - yes, it is true - about stretching, but I have not made that happen. I should, I really should.

The weather, my cold weather outfit, I run differently in this guise. Shorter strides, which can be good, but not in this case. When it is warm I feel more free, the body feels more comfortable no matter how much weight I am carrying, the transition from stasis to movement is much easier.

Distance:
Avg. Pace:
Duration:
Route: Forest Hill Loop

Passed a number of old men today, walking their dogs or mostly walking themselves. I said hello to all of them, asked how they are doing.

When I look over my shoulder, what do you think I see ..?

You can look that up.

Temperature: 32°
Climate: shine, shiny sun
Mood: all right
Baseline: 174 lbs.
Today: 169.5 lbs. (-0-)
Goal: 165 lbs.
Ideal: 160 lbs.

Reception tonight, the topic is "flags."

1996 Playlist
Ready To Go (U.S. Mix) - Republica
White Girl - Soul Coughing
Solid State - Combustible Edison
Oops! - Tipsy
Season of the Witch - Luna
Tombstone * - Suzanne Vega
Someone's Daughters - Beth Orton
Wannabe - Spice Girls
Red - Sister Soleil

Awesome year for funky dance music, and so warrant an extra half-mile. On a warmer day, perhaps further. Soul Coughing! Cocktail music! The Spice Girls only single!

Walk away from what gets you down.

33" waist. New pants.

 One warm, freshly baked cookie, by itself, is a treat and not to be denied.

This is the thing. Since 2008-09 I was able to keep my weight within a reasonable range. Mid-160s, not exactly svelte but healthy for someone with my frame. During 2010, I was fighting depression and began a series of anti-depressants. I became less depressed, though not exactly "happy."

I didn't write, I didn't run (in 2011 I ran almost half my annual average) and I gained about fifteen pounds. Going off medication I found other ways to work though my emotions, and in 2012 I ran another marathon. Training took that fifteen pounds off ... but by the end of the year I had put them back on and just kept them.

The issue at hand is how best to attain and maintain my healthy weight. The kids are being very patient with the introduction of whole grains into our diet (sometimes I make the white stuff just for them - bread, rice) and the girl has even helpfully expressed a taste for whole wheat pasta, though the boy is not having it.

Everything in moderation. We had dinner at my folks house last night, my dad offered me a beer. A gift? I will accept that gift. I hadn't had any alcohol since last Thursday. That's moderate, isn't it?

It is downright abstemious.

Temperature: 37°
Distance: 3.35 miles
Climate: Rain!

Just used Map My Run for the first time, and found out my baseline run is actually longer than I always thought. Sorry, Stephani. It's still not even.

Actually, it's 3.36. So give me a little credit.

Baseline: 178.5 lbs.
Today: 170 lbs.
Goal: 170 lbs.

1998 Playlist
Closing Time - Semisonic
Starwayze - back 2 earth
Better? - Propellerheads
Strength - Sister Soleil
The Rockafeller Skank - Fatboy Slim
Kelly Watch The Stars - AIR


Sometimes your starting tune just shows up on The Current, and you have to use it to start your run. And there's this:

I know you'll want to run around.

"If you could give one magic pill that would improve physical health, mood, reduce weight," this would be it, [Dr. Robert Waldinger, psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard University] says. Federal health officials recommend 30 minutes of moderate aerobic activity every day.

Best To Not Sweat The Small Stuff, Because It Could Kill You
NPR - Morning Edition, Sept. 22, 2014

A few years back some "friends" chose to share with me this report which suggests there is no empirical evidence that exercise helps with depression. Except the other day NPR tells me, as part of their ongoing reports on STRESS (which I should tell you are very stressful to listen to) that physical exercise can improve physical health and mood.

So there's that.

Temperature: 73°
Distance: 3.25 miles

Big, beautiful night. Numerous runners and walkers and others.

What's the word for that awkward moment you have to pass someone who is almost but not quite just going as fast as you, and then you speed up because you want to put a lot of space between them and you and you notice your shorts are stuffed up your buttcrack?

There has to be one.

The Current Playlist
Dangerous -  Big Data
After the Disco - Broken Bells
I'm Only Joking - Kongos
Youth Without Youth - Metric
Harlem - New Politics
We Come Running  - Youngblood Hawke
Pumpin Blood - NONONO
Right Action - Franz Ferdinand