Thursday, October 09, 2008

Anatomy of a Blow-off

Took the kids to see Into the Woods last night - the first half. They know it by heart, the first half. Don't know when we will let them experience the second half yet, maybe when they are eightteen.

So it was a late night getting the children to bed. And we needed to watch Project Runway (doesn't everyone?) Recently I have been eschewing alcohol after dinner. Gone are the days of the nightcap - so 2007. I have been enjoying tea with my TV. But I knew someone was going down and that it wouldn't be Kenley, and dammit I was right. I almost cried.

Tugboat. Blow me.

Anyway, I said screw it, let's have a Manhattan and let the kids - and the parents sleep in. It was jus that kind of night. I set the clock for 6 but then changed it to 7, can you believe that?

I had a strong, vivid dream, about smoking a cigarette. I have not had a cigarette since June 2001. I haven't touched one, maybe as a prop, never touched one to my lips. Usually when I have smoking dreams I stop in the middle and think, "Oh my God! What am I doing???" Last night, in my mind, I did it on purpose. With intent. I needed a smoke. And I smoked it hard, to the squeaky-clean filter.

I did not rest easy that last 30 minutes. I skipped my morning house-PT. And I can feel it. I am hoping there is a small amount of time during the late afternoon to catch up, but I don't know when. One day off. I will more than make up for it at the clinic tomorrow. And hopefully never play around like this again, not for a long time.

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