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These fall days. I can't sleep all the way to the alarm. I wake, my knees ache, my side. But so? I get up. I have a morning. I can write, eat a good breakfast. And I run. And I love the run. 

Not looking forward to the rec center. The park is a beautiful place to be at dawn. The geese, the deer. The turning of the leaves.

Distance: 3.1 

Duration: 27:03
Pace: 8:42

My brain is still adjusting to the absence of sertraline. It has been several weeks, and I still get dizzy and my brain buzzes.

I am adjusting very well to sobriety. I have entered into situations where I could drink, and I may yet, but I choose not to.

Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 57°
Climate: ideal
Mood: all right

Fall 1986 Playlist

25 or 6 to 4 (Alternative Version) - Chicago

When Problems Arise - Fishbone

Girl From Ipanema Goes to Greenland - The B-52's

Word Up - Cameo

Walk This Way - Run DMC ft. Aerosmith

Don't Stand So Close to Me '86 - The Police

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 167.4 lbs. (-2.4)

Got my annual fall vaccinations. Suck on that.

Planks: TBA
Push-ups: yes

Sit-Ups: yes

Who's going to plug their ears when you scream?

As if the collective reputation
of runners wasn't bad enough.

The ADS has been hitting me very, very hard. Woke up on Thursday after a full night's sleep with something like a hangover. Only I haven't had alcohol since last Friday afternoon. Which just goes to show.

But seriously, I have been hit with rounds of brain farts and it is not pleasant. I hope these subside soon.

This is a new era. No antidepressants, also no depressants. I wonder what will emerge. It may be confidently angry.

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 28:29
Pace: 9:10

Bero Noon Wheat is a banger, add a slice of orange, *chef's kiss* or whatever it is the kids say.

Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 65°
Climate: overcast & cool
Mood: not great, but determined

Fall 1984 Mixtape

Strut - Sheena Easton

The Warrior - Scandal ft. Patty Smyth

Cover Me - Bruce Springsteen
On the Dark Side - John Caffrey & The Beaver Brown Band

Flesh For Fantasy - Billy Idol

Rock Me Tonite - Billy Squier

Drive * - The Cars

Stretches: no 
Water: yes
Weight: 169.4 lbs. (-0.8)

Planks: TBA
Push-ups: TBA

Sit-Ups: TBA

There’s life after high school.

“Lombardo” at Pandemonium this weekend!

Beautiful days. Very busy. Talented, engaged actors. More performances in the mix. Evenings on the side porch with my partner, watching the game.

Distance: 3.1 miles

Duration: 28:19
Pace: 9:08

We are mindful, which is is nice. It doesn't last, which is acceptable. Already psyching myself up to attend Pandemonium and not drink. And that's okay.

I haven't gone so long without chemical abuse in such a long time. It means these feelings can't be explained away by depressants.

Speaking of which, I'm leaving Sertraline. And I think this is good timing. I ride the brain zaps mindfully (natch) by just feeling them, working not to be annoyed by them. Just breathe. There they are. Being still helps. They will not last. Nothing ever does, am I right?

Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 71
Climate: moist

Mood: good

Fall 1984 Mixtape

Adult Education - Hall & Oates

Hot For Teacher - Van Halen

Two Tribes - Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Take Me With U - Prince & the Revolution

The Glamorous Life - Sheila E.

I Feel For You - Chaka Khan

Uff. What a cuck I was. But, oh! What a season.

Stretches: yes
Water: yes
Weight: 170.2 lbs. (-3.0)

Planks: TBA
Push-ups: yes

Sit-Ups: TBA

I could be your kryptonite.

Because I have not, will not run two consecutive days, I could not have hoped to run more than 182 times this year, and will run fewer, as there are times when I have not been able to run even that much. So I cannot run more than I did in 2023, or 2015.

But I have already surpassed my worst year, which was 2011. And it's only July.

Last night, Gabby asked me about "runner's high" and I wasn't sure what to tell her. Wikipedia calls it "a transient state of euphoria coupled with lessened feelings of anxiety and a higher pain threshold." I'm not sure about that. Euphoria is a pretty high bar, and I don't believe running in any way creates in me a higher pain threshold, not even a transient one.

But it makes me happy. It has been a long time since it has felt like a chore. I look forward to it. And it is that, more than the running itself, that I would suggest is the cause of any lessened anxiety.

Distance: 2.69 miles

Duration: 30:26
Pace: 11:17

Bedtime was unpleasant, I was suffering what I can only describe as "brain zaps" which is odd because I have been taking my medication consistently ... at least, I think I have been. It was highly disorienting and there was nothing to do but lie down and get the day over with. I mean, it was after ten, anyway. But. Still. You get it.

Upbeat Playlist

Brimful of Asha (Norman Cook Remix) - Cornershop

Ready or Not - Bridget Mendler

Dance Wiv Me - Dizzee Rascal ft. Calvin Harris

Lampshades on Fire - Modest Mouse

Cake By the Ocean - DNCE

Show Me Love - Robin S

Tik Tok - Kesha

SexyBack - Justin Timberlake ft. Timbaland 

Ants Marching - Dave Matthews Band  

Sometimes Ze and I share the earbuds for music. We have been discussing the possibility of a race together, possibly some time in 2026.

And I am planning to apply for the TCS NYC Marathon. What if?

Route: Forest Hill Park
Temperature: 73°
Climate: sunny

Mood: good
Stretches: yes
Water: yes

Weight: 160 lbs.

Will I live another twenty four.

I do not feel good this morning. But I cannot quantify how it is I feel. I cannot describe it. I will try. I am not in pain. I feel it in my muscles, it affects my thinking. I have been awake at 4:30 these past few morning,s and try to sleep for the next several hours. I doze. I cannot relax because every few moments, a stillness will affect my body, a "reset" much like the brain "buzzes" which afflict someone coming off certain antidepressants.

But I'm not coming off them. I am entirely on them. Is sleeping affecting that? What if I took my antidepressant when I started feeling that way? Is it a twenty-four hour withdrawal? But then why do I still feel that way, almost an hour after having taken one?

I will run. The morning is perfect. So much for the forecast, which said it would rain all day. I need to move these muscles. The thing is, my ankle (did I say left? I meant right.) was sore all day yesterday, after my run and taking a nap. So it will be a little tender. But running seems like to only thing I can do.

Distance: 2 miles
Duration: 18:49
Pace: 9:24
Route: Two times around the block.

Good run, no pain. The tempo has been good, I have been using the 155-159 BPM playlist recently (see right) which is not my best speed, but it's not exactly not fast, either. Feels good.

Maybe could have gone longer, but I am sweating buckets and I didn't want to tax my ankles and worse.

Temperature: 72°
Climate: bright & HOT
Mood: good, right?
Weight: 190 lbs. (-1.0)

Achievement unlocked, I guess? I would like to eventually be back at 170 lbs., right now the 180s would be an improvement. Keep going. Time for granola, yogurt and BERRIES.

What's That Lyric?
Good Day - Ice Cube

I'm not as strong as I used to be.

Artwork: The Everlasting Ash

There is a side-effect to coming off of certain antidepressants which are commonly referred to as "brain zaps." They even have a fancy name, antidepressant discontinuation syndrome which leaves one with the impression they have no idea why it happens or what to do about it.

"This is the thing that happens when you discontinue antidepressants." Couldn't you at least put it in Latin?

Weaning myself from Lexapro I developed this syndrome, which can best be described as a moment of disorientation followed by a buzzing which feels like an electric shock only without the pain. But it is very unpleasant. My last recorded incident was six years ago.

Until yesterday. Yesterday afternoon I had them, a lot. They were pronounced as I had afternoon sleepiness, took a nap (they happened a lot during my brief nap) and as we prepared to go out for the evening.

They were not an issue all evening, or at bedtime. But when I was woken in the middle of the night they hit me again and again and again, making it hard to go to sleep. They they have not bothered me all morning.

What's going on?

1975 Playlist
Mama Mia! - ABBA
Sweet Transvestite - Tim Curry & Company
Young Americans - David Bowie
Life Is A Ministrone - 10cc
Say You Love Me - Fleetwood Mac
Ease On Down the Road - Stephanie Mills & Company
I Love Music (Pt. 1) - The O'Jays
Slow Ride - Foghat
Death On Two Legs (Dedicated To ...) - Queen

Dedicated to, indeed.

Distance: 3.75 miles
Route: Forest Hill Loop
Temperature: 38•
Climate: sunny and cool
Pavement: clear & damp
Mood: unresigned

Stretches: yes

Baseline: 178 lbs.
Today: 173.5 lbs. (-1.0)
Goal: 170 lbs.

Went out with friends for a glamorous CLE evening at Adega at the 9. Managed not to drink too much, not to eat too much, and not to stay out too late. Adega was nice. The Vault is stupid.

The things you think are useless I can't understand.

I suffer to endure pleasant weather in the midst of winter and not have the opportunity to take a run. Time is so short, I have conspired to create moments when I can escape ... Friday night there was a retirement party for my wife's boss, last night a wedding. Weather remains in the 40s, who knows for how much longer. It leaves me depressed.

1972 Playlist
Reelin' In The Years - Steely Dan
Hi Hi Hi - Paul McCartney & Wings
Roadrunner - The Modern Lovers
Superstition - Stevie Wonder
Popcorn - Hot Butter
(No More) Mr. Nice Guys - Sparks

Waking from a short nap prior to the festivities, I was suffering from "brain zaps" for the first time since the holidays. This was very unpleasant. Gathering with a large number of people I did not know (I was the date, after all) in the lobby of the Natural History Museum for the wedding, I was overcome with great anxiety, overwhelmed by all the things I have to need, am expected to do, will soon need to do.

There's always something to do. I do not always feel so overwhelmed nor depressed by it.

However, the ceremony itself, pleasant, sincere, non-religious, was moving, special, unique, and lifted my spirits. We moved into the Sears Hall, which features special "evening" lighting. As a child, when there were snow days (often during the blizzards of '77 and '78) my mother would drop me off there by myself so she could attend her art appreciation classes at the CMA. The smell of the Natural History Museum (taxidermy?) holds powerful, positive memories.

Distance: 2 miles
Temperature: 36º
Weight: 180.5 lbs.
Weather: cool. calm. day.

Soon I was feeling more social. Martini on the rocks, sharing my familiarity with Balto, selling Cleveland to strangers, wine, dinner with dinosaurs in the Kirtland Hall, Coke and rum, I wasn't driving. Early to bed, long sleep. And we run.

I'm not easy to please.

I cough, I wheeze. Yes, I wheeze. I pant. I am overweight. I am out of shape. And my body does these things to remind me.

It came as something of a relief when my doctor reminded me that Lexapro can cause weight gain. I have been taking a mild dose since September of last year. We chose to cut that dose in half around six months ago, because I was having difficulty making it through the day awake. And about a month ago we agreed to end the treatment, to wean myself from it slowly.

I never chose to take antidepressants before. Whenever it was suggested that I should, the fact that I am an "artist" was always an issue. Would chemicals stem my creativity? Yes, well. Whatever. By late last year my production was near zero. What could I lose? And it helped, I could concentrate, I could work.

But this had to come to an end. Running used to be my exclusive exultation medication. And with this medication, I didn't feel I needed it very much. And that's not good. Not good for me at all. So I stopped, and the withdrawal symptoms have been very challenging. The kids call them reboots, a sudden flash in the brain, not like flash of light or pain, just a sudden disorientation that takes a moment to recover from. They are also called brain zaps, though I prefer to think of them as brain farts (or brarts.)

These have nearly faded, I felt them only slightly yesterday and today. So we shall see. I have already found myself enduring mood swings, but they are usually caused by something, they don't come out of nowhere.

And this is how I shall begin the New Year. Overweight, unmedicated, and with a lot to prove.

Best of 2011 Playlist
Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) - Katy Perry
Na Na Nothing - Mike Doughty
Ok - The Beastie Boys
Too Dramatic - Ra Ra Riot
Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz ft. Ludacris
The Creep - The Lonely Island
Like a G6 - Far East Movement
2012 (It Ain't The End of the World) - Jay Sean
Firework - Katy Perry

Distance: 3.1 miles
Temperature: 27º
Weight: 182.5 lbs.
Weather: snot-like sleet + sub-zero temp = treacherous pavement