Monday, May 27, 2013

It's not so deep, I'm not so slow.

When I was a kid and I broke my leg, I would lie away unable to sleep, and stare at the pictures on the wall next to my bed. Some of them were pages from the Plain Dealer -- full-page images, like posters, of comic strip characters that ran in the paper.

I became obsessed with one in which the enlargement exaggerated a gap in a pen line. I wanted to take a pen and complete that line. I wouldn't, I wouldn't draw on the image, I was old enough to know that was wrong, I didn't have the right to correct that artist's work, but I couldn't stop wanting to complete that line.

On any given day I may sit at the dining room table and imagine how, exactly, I will best stack the plates, in what order, picking up spoon to nest and empty dish, replace the spoon, move onto another -- how may I best stack dirty dishes in as few moves as possible, to carry them away to the kitchen?

The house is replete with things which must be fixed. Every day for the past year and a half I walked through the side door and looked at the broken glass and every time I thought, I need to place that. How will I do that? When will I do that? Every weekend would pass and nothing would change.

The glass has been replaced. The old, terrible curtain has been removed just so I no longer have to look at it, and will soon be replaced with something new -- this will also be done, I am sure. The wooden doors, side and front, have been primed with fresh-smelling oil. There is an American flag hanging just outside our bedroom window.

The girl is in her room, sorting clothes to give away, to sell in the yard sale, to toss, to fold and put away. The wife is writing. We are not grilling today, today we are industrious.

The boy is merely playing with Legos, but he can be forgiven -- for his birthday he got over a hundred bucks in Lego cards, and walked out of the Lego store with an admirable haul. I am proud of him, too.

Temperature: 59°
Climate: overcast & cool - perfect
Distance: 3.25 miles

And yet, stuck in the middle of a day where all are occupied and there are no other obligations, I feel conflicted about running, tired, a little low. Shall I say, anxious.I get permission. I run anyway, but though the physicality feels all right, and my pace remains brisk, thoughts are troubling, peppy, adolescent music notwithstanding.

I feel it now, not in the pit of my stomach, but just above. A rising anxiousness. My wife reminds me how good the weekend has been, how rewarding, relaxing, time with friends, surrounded by kids. Things are good.

I keep telling myself that. Things are good. Things are good. Things are good.

Love Plus One Playlist
Love Plus One - Haircut 100
Mirror Man - Human League
I Got You - Split Enz
Poison Arrow - ABC
Oblivious - Aztec Camera
Just Got Lucky - JoBoxers
Antmusic - Adam and the Ants

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