Saturday, May 25, 2013

Your legs give way, you hit the ground.

We return to JJ, for additional guidance in managing anxiety and depression. Anxiety, of course, can stimulate one to act, which I have found very effective. It is in combination with depression that we get into trouble. I do not feel I have been depressed lately, at least not for maybe two months. No ass-dragging depression. Just anxiety. Constant anxiety. Relentless anxiety.

We had a date last night, the wife and I. We went to see There Is a Happiness That Morning Is at CPT. That was incredible, really enjoyable, emotional and outrageous and hilarious and ultimately satisfying.  The moment I walked in and saw the set I was filled with joy. And yet, there were moments when my thoughts flew away on a troubling journey of analysis.

About a half-hour in, after bringing her up-to-date on everything that has occurred in the past two or so years since out last session (by and large, there were good things to report) she asked me what makes me happy. I spoke before I even thought.

"Running," I said. "I love running." And then I started to tear up. "Running makes me happy."

Temperature: 50°
Climate: Bright, cool, perfect
Distance: 3.25 miles

So what keeps you from running? You say you are now running once a week, if it makes you happy, why only once a week?

The Annual Playlists are a major motivation to get out and run during the coldest months. Trying to get them all in before the end of April, for example. That's not me saying I want to run, that is a task to be accomplished, something outside of myself, a compulsion, even. And a satisfying one. It has a beginning, a middle and end. There is a celebration.

And then, transition. How do you handle transitions? Transitions are very depressing, aren't they? Even transitions from the planning to the execution, the waiting, it is time to fear failure, that you are a joke, that no one loves you. Until they all show up and everyone has a good time and you were a fool for doubting yourself.

I am in transition. Another transition. A big transition. We all know that. So. Running will help. How do we run more than once or twice a week? The wife helps, but she is not responsible for this on her own.

Keeping my kit clean, and folded and organized, that always helps. Lord, I hate having to search for my shoes.

We will meet again in two weeks.

Whenever You're On My Mind Playlist
Whenever You're On My Mind - Marshall Crenshaw
Save It For Later - The Beat
In The Street - Big Star
Ah! Leah! - Donny Iris
If I Didn't Love You - Squeeze
The Ballad of El Goodo - Big Star
If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar
Helpless - Sugar

Music for Summer. Music for nostalgia. Here we go again.


Alicia at Poise in Parma said...

I get where you are coming from, 110%. The anxiety keeps you moving because if you stop, that's when the depression seeps in. That's what keeps me busy - so that I won't be sad. That in itself might be a sad fact, but at least I'm happy, even when crazed.

Keep up the good fight, buddy.

Stephani Itibrout said...

I LOVE "Leah." Also, this is a similar question to what I asked, "How do you renew your relationship with running?"

I just got done with the Medina Half Marathon. I thought I would see you there. This is me projecting guilt vibes at you. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE. Hope that helps with the depression.