I'm not easy to please.

I cough, I wheeze. Yes, I wheeze. I pant. I am overweight. I am out of shape. And my body does these things to remind me.

It came as something of a relief when my doctor reminded me that Lexapro can cause weight gain. I have been taking a mild dose since September of last year. We chose to cut that dose in half around six months ago, because I was having difficulty making it through the day awake. And about a month ago we agreed to end the treatment, to wean myself from it slowly.

I never chose to take antidepressants before. Whenever it was suggested that I should, the fact that I am an "artist" was always an issue. Would chemicals stem my creativity? Yes, well. Whatever. By late last year my production was near zero. What could I lose? And it helped, I could concentrate, I could work.

But this had to come to an end. Running used to be my exclusive exultation medication. And with this medication, I didn't feel I needed it very much. And that's not good. Not good for me at all. So I stopped, and the withdrawal symptoms have been very challenging. The kids call them reboots, a sudden flash in the brain, not like flash of light or pain, just a sudden disorientation that takes a moment to recover from. They are also called brain zaps, though I prefer to think of them as brain farts (or brarts.)

These have nearly faded, I felt them only slightly yesterday and today. So we shall see. I have already found myself enduring mood swings, but they are usually caused by something, they don't come out of nowhere.

And this is how I shall begin the New Year. Overweight, unmedicated, and with a lot to prove.

Best of 2011 Playlist
Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) - Katy Perry
Na Na Nothing - Mike Doughty
Ok - The Beastie Boys
Too Dramatic - Ra Ra Riot
Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz ft. Ludacris
The Creep - The Lonely Island
Like a G6 - Far East Movement
2012 (It Ain't The End of the World) - Jay Sean
Firework - Katy Perry

Distance: 3.1 miles
Temperature: 27º
Weight: 182.5 lbs.
Weather: snot-like sleet + sub-zero temp = treacherous pavement

My feet are running like the wind.

Taking a gander of my runs during the second half of 2011, you might get the impression that I only run when I am away from home. Let's analyze this. You know, for Christmas.

Distance: 4.25 miles
Temperature: 48º
Weather: Beautiful and sunny out, too breezy and sun in my eyes back.

Beginning a couple months ago, my wife and I tried an experiment. We were each unsatisfied with how writing was fitting into our daily routine. Work and parenting takes all of our day. Really, it does. Maybe we do not manage as well as others, maybe we are poor at delegating between the two of us; we both like to participate in bedtime, for example.

Evenings were not working at all. I do not write at night, not really, not with any success. Blog entries, maybe, but that's not getting the job done. And my wife has forks in too many stews as it is, and she frets over those things at night.

So we agreed to rise at 5 am. Coffee, water, bundled up, each with our laptop, crunching through. And it has been successful, 90 minutes concentrating on the work a day. One of the days, when we're making the big money, there will be more time. But that day may never come. For now, 90 minutes a day, which is 90 minutes a day more than before.

As a result, bedtime is the end. I clean up the house before I pass out and she still sweats the details (PTA, public events for work, paying bills.) Where do running fit?

It do not. Not really. And this fall, I have been all right with that. I hit Marshall's for as many pair of 34" pants as I can reasonably afford. To wit; I give up. I am playing Hercule Poirot this winter anyhow, I do not need to be svelte.

And so, time away, "vacation" time means more time for everything, including me.

There is more to this story, that involving my mental well-being, peace through chemicals, and "brarts." But more on that tomorrow.

Best of 2011 Playlist
Ritual Union - Little Dragon
Life's a Happy Song - The Muppets OST
Rocketeer - Far Eats Movement
Wavin' Flag (The Celebration Mix)* - K'Naan
Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye
Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO
Make Some Noise - The Beastie Boys
Like Em All - Jacob Latimore
Blue Tip - The Cars
Dynamite - Taio Cruz
Tightrope* - Janelle Monae ft. Big Boi

Your man won't dance, but I will.

Changed things up tonight, starting at the Rec Center, then running to Peden Stadium and back, so I could make it a short drive to Kroger's for cake supplies. I mean, I am a CRAZY MAN!

National Cake Day Playlist*
Cupid Shuffle - Cupid
Flathead - The Fratellis
She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals
New In Town - Little Boots
1901 - Phoenix
The Girls - Calvin Harris
Great DJ - The Ting Tings
It's Tricky - Run DMC
Animal (Fake Blood Remix) - Miike Snow
Na Na Nothing - Mike Doughty

*Playlists from the last three days are a selection of the most-played tracks on my iTunes. Using the Genius function they pop up all the time. I will now "uncheck" all of them, I do not want to hear any of them again for a couple of years.

Distance: 4.25 miles
Start temperature: 66º
Weather: cool. lovely.

Would you like some cake?

Sunset over South Green

My calves hurt. That is all.

Evacuation Day Playlist
Situation - Yazoo
Dance Wiv Me - Dizzee Rascal
Shine - Take That
Dust In The Wind - Gabriel & Dresden
Mansard Roof - Vampire Weekend
We Want Your Soul - Adam Freeland
Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny) - A.R. Rahman ft. The Pussycat Dolls
Shining Star - Earth Wind & Fire
Fireflies - Owl City

Distance: 4.25 miles
Start temperature: 62º
End temperature: 59º
Weather: cool & bright ... and then dark.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

River Hocking flooded. I suspected part of my usual run from Peden Stadium would be flooded, so I began from Habitat for Humanity on Union. I was right, the drainage ditch just past Stimson was impassable. Still, the additional section made my run much longer than I had expected. Almost six miles. I can still do this. Without pain. Thankful.

Tuesday morning I sat in front of my laptop, striving to recreate a moment from a very long time ago. This would be nothing unusual for me, except it was one of those moments I choose not to spend much time with. A moment of shame or embarrassment. A beginning which would eventually lead to a humiliating end. I have written about the end. The beginning is more interesting.

(Wow. Just made a connection. The last time I ever saw the person in question was at The Nine. Forgot about that. It was a bitter reunion. That was also a very long time ago.)

In any event, I failed. Or rather, I began and did not know where to go. There may be no there there. Or there might be, if I can create, rather than document. It will be a challenge. Tuesday it produced one page. Sixty minutes. One page. The one page was produced in five minutes, with another fifty-five spent sighing.

Thanksgiving Day Playlist
Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye ft. Kimbra
Hips Don't Lie/Bamboo - Shakira
Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
Mothership - Kid Beyond
Steal My Sunshine - Len
Bulletproof - La Roux
It's My Life - Talk Talk
Start! - The Jam
Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend
Dynamite - Taio Cruz
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) - Beyonce
Uninvited - Freemasons
Before the Worst - The Script
Hold Me Now - The Thompson Twins

Stretches
Safety Dance - Men Without Hats
Push The Button - Sugababes

What does it mean to run the same route, again and again? Well, that can be a metaphor, can't it? Running this track by my old school inevitably lets my mind revisit events past. But with repetition comes a flattening out of such thoughts. They do not cease, but they lose their edge.

Sigh. Trite. What was I saying?


Co-eds on the Hocking.
There was a route I used to run in my neighborhood which pissed me off. Even when I did not run directly past the house in question, just running in the vicinity of the house in question made me obsess about a certain person, and that would induce anger.

I stopped running that way. But I do, on occasion. Thoughts of disappointment are entirely overwhelmed, nay, destroyed, by associations with the children and their elementary school, located nearby. Much the same way my niece's birthday has subsumed the date of my first wedding.

Distance: 5.8 miles
Temperature: 40º
Weather: cool, cloudy.

So. Tuesday. I'm making breakfast for children, packing lunches for everyone, listening to The Current. I am struck by a track that sings to me. Slightly retro, sounds like something I would have been big into during my younger days. There's a vocal refrain reminiscent of Sting. I immediately download the song from iTunes -- I never do that anymore.

I listen to it over and over again on the drive down Chester to work. I never do that anymore. A song about an ended relationship, frank, naked, blunt. Well-crafted song. Stirring production.

It's like that old saying; I do not miss you. I miss the person I was when I was with you.

Maybe I'm just like my father.

What does it feel like not to have run or done exercise of any kind for one month and ten days? It feels bad. It has taken less than three years, you know, to gain thirty pounds. The flesh on my hips is spongy and soft. This week I made a commitment to bigness and bought size 34 jeans.

This has not been out of any intention neglect. Life has moved into the way. More time spent on work during non-business hours. More time spent writing, and dealing with the children's extra-curricular activities. And there has been death.

My wife's grandmother died last month, which while not entirely unexpected, required sudden action, traveling to and from Athens in the middle of a work-week. And even more overpowering, the sudden and entirely unexpected death of her aunt who lives on Nantucket. My wife, her aunts and uncles and cousins gathered there for a weekend while I stayed at home with the children.

There was Halloween, but I took no Halloween-themed run. Harris successfully ran the NYC Marathon (5:10.46 -- two-thirds of it on an injured knee, way to go, man) with no celebratory at-home run on my part.

Great Lakes Theater's 80s-flavored production of The Taming of the Shew came and went without my having the chance to enjoy the following tunes from the show:

The Taming of the Shrew Playlist
Destination Unknown - Missing Persons
When Doves Cry - Prince and the Revolution
Broken Wings - Mr. Mister
Wild Boys - Duran Duran
It's My Life - Talk Talk
Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
The Reflex - Duran Duran

My brother has been struggling with his colitis pretty much ever since I visited him at the beginning of October. My father joined me for a show at the State Theatre a couple weeks ago, and he is moving so much slower these days. My mother may or may not join us for a movie this afternoon, she has been having rapid heartbeats lately -- something she claims she used to get as a girl -- and stopped in at the hospital this morning for an EKG.

And I have had a cold, the kind which has lingered for two weeks and has been complicated by inexplicable stomach pains.

So I have been coping with sorrow and fear. Not every day, not all the time. But I am trying to keep my head up and what I see can worry me. When I look at the children and all of their friends, I can't help but thinking that part of the reason to have kids is so that not absolutely everyone you know and love is old and dying.

Distance: 3.3 miles
Temperature: 63º
Weight: 178 lbs.
Weather: cool and breezy.

On our way to some other place.

Sunflower Genius Mix
Sunflower - Paul Weller
There Goes God - Crowded House
There She Goes - The La's
World Where You Live (Live) - Crowded House
Fall At Your Feet - Crowded House
All I Wanna Do (Is Be With You) - Paul Weller
Sound and Vision - David Bowie
In The City (179 bpm) - The Jam

6:38 AM ...
Me: What are you doing?
Her: I am doing yoga and checking my media.
Me: Wow. (pause) Can you do that?

Distance: 3.3 miles
Temperature: 61º
Weight: 174 lbs.
Weather: cool. but humid.