Standing, stretching every nerve.

The world spins.

Physical Status: Last summer, my knees began to hurt. Can't pinpoint when, it may have been the bed in North Carolina. Regardless, it lasted a long time. I went from training from the beginning of the year, to a marathon, then a steep drop-off during the summer and for the rest of the year, really.

Meanwhile, my right ankle continues to feel strained, especially when (due to?) using the clown shoes. Maybe I am using them wrong. Maybe they are not a panacea. Maybe they are fucking dangerous. And yet, they are more enjoyable to run in.

When I am not running (like recently) and not even doing any kind of exercise at all (like recently) my back aches in the early morning hours. I would just as soon get up, but like the children, I am also not getting enough sleep.

It has been quite a couple of weeks. From the tour to the Big Box show ... I have enjoyed spending more time with the kids these past several nights. But still, there is a lot of business, life business, emotional business, business business.

I think I'd like to run a half or full marathon in the fall. Train during the summer for a fall race. Having a race is a powerful motivator. Not having a race ... I mean, shit. It's snowing, all right? Screw that.

Temperature: 30°
Climate: these occasional snowflakes
Distance: 3.25 miles

Mental Status: Not bad. Downright positive, with occasional tremors. Lately, the girl has blurted out, "I'm a happy girl!" apropos of nothing. Sometimes in the middle of violin rehearsal. I would like to think this is because playing makes her happy. But it's suddenness in the midst of an otherwise dour stretch of frowning puts me in mind of my own manic-depression.

March 19, 2001 was a bad day, but so was March 19, 2002. Living a year with the fact that my first child was stillborn was one of big ups and mostly downs, which culminated on that Tuesday when I was sitting, despondent, with my partner who was having her own challenges at that time, wondering whether or not any of the grad schools she had applied to would accept her (they did, that story has a happy ending) and particular irritation with me because it was Balcony Day at Solon High School and I kept blowing my lines.

I knew my wife was at work, unhappy. I was unhappy. We had made plans for the next day, a Wednesday (hey, today is a Wednesday -- the calendar on the wall over there is a recycled 2002 calendar) but no idea what to expect. Would it make any difference, two people, going to the zoo, visiting a communal grave, making dinner together, like always, only very, very different?

Many March 19s passed with a certain feeling of dread, which was countermanded by the glory of March 20, the first day of Spring. A commemoration, but also a celebration. March 19, 2003 was the day our nation went to war for nothing. The next day were three, there was a baby girl with us, not yet two months old. Already, no longer alone.

Today Calvin is twelve. He moves into adolescence. That is not nearly as unsettling as the fact that girl is ten. We have all taken the day off, and who knows where it will take us. The zoo, Riverside Cemetery, home for spaghetti and artichokes.


2005 Playlist
Solsbury Hill - Erasure
Random - Lady Sovereign
Do You Want To - Franz Ferdinand
The Hand That Feeds - Nine Inch Nails
Golddigger - Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx
Me Plus Onei - Annie
Kyberneticka Babicka Pt. 2 - Stereolab
Technologic - Daft Punk